Rebecca's Memory

This is Rebecca, Tyler's NA. Wow, there is so much I can say about Rebecca. So many nights she would be in our room playing with Tyler, laughing with Bob and I. We really felt like she was a friend. Tyler loved her. No matter how grumpy he was she could always make him smile. There were so many memories this family holds with Rebecca, but I remember her the most in the last weeks of Tyler. She made her way to the PICU both times Tyler was there. She talked to Tyler while he was on the vent, she talked to Bob and I for the longest time, and shared some pain of her own. She came in the day he went to sleep too. She kissed him on the forehead and tears were just falling out of her eyes. She has also sent us the sweetest bookmark, and cards since his passing. I know it sounds so cliche' when I say this was his favorite person, etc. but all of this is true. Tyler loved these special people so much. They were his extended family. These were the people he could interact with, with being in isolation for two years. Rebecca could always get TyTy smiling. My favorite is when she would pinch his cheeks. The cheesiest grin would come on his face. The one thing we all hold close is the week before Christmas, none of us, including doctors, knew if we would be home for Christmas or not. So we were trying to make the best of the situation, and we set up a tree in Tyler's room. Rebecca came in to visit that night, and commented on the tree, and she said she seen an angel that would look good on it. The next day we went out for dinner, when we came back on the table sat the angel she told us about. So we helped Tyler put it on the tree only Tyler didn't want to leave it on the tree. He wanted to hold it. I have pictures of him trying to reach for the angel. Now it seems... It is just special to us. Every year that angel will remind us of her, and that night. A night in which we stayed until 2 in the morning, we were having so much fun with him. It was the first night of the boys' Christmas vacation, and the last night we all were together when he REALLY felt like enjoying life. I dont know if Rebecca knows how much that angel has come to mean to us. Rebecca is an amazing person who we all miss so much right now. Again, another person who we will NEVER forget, and who was such a HUGE part of making TyTy's short two years worth all the pain he endured. Here is Rebecca's memory.



I will never forget what a happy guy Tyler was, especially when mom and dad were there. I loved walking into his room to squeeze his cheeks; I'll never forget the grin I would always get and it seemed like he would get embarrased cause mom and dad would see him "flirting". And also when mom and dad were gone how he'd be fine until you walked by and he'd start crying to get you to come in the room and when you'd walk in he would give you the saddest cry and throw his head back like saying "please please come pick me up". I got so attached to tyty and he will be in my heart forever. He truly was a special little guy. Rebecca

Matt's Memory

All hooked up. O2, CVN, Pulse ox, and BP cuff.


This is Matt, Drew's brother. Drew was my heart. We lost Drew to Lymphoma two weeks before TyTy went to sleep. He was a PA-C, and my first go to guy concerning Tyler. Matt and I became close friends through Drew and Tyler. Matt would tag along with Drew, and he became a strong support for me, but he was the one friend of mine who would get down on the floor, and play with Tyler. Tyler would pull his hair, and Matt would act like he was hurting, and Tyler would laugh. Matt has been a wonderful support for me in the last weeks. Tyler always looked to Matt as his most favorite buddy when his brothers weren't around. He was the fun guy who came to play. Thank you for giving him the smiles you did Matt. Here is Matt's Memory.



My favorite memory of Tyler would be the day I went with my brother Drew to help figure out the new blood pressure machine. Drew would put the cuff on his leg, turn around and go back to the machine to figure out why it wasn't reading. The cuff would pump up, and we would all wait for the reading, only to hear a loud error reading. Drew would go over and see that the cuff had pumped too high and fell off his leg. Drew and Peg spent the next fifteen minutes trying to get the cuff to stay on every time it pumped up. Each time they would put it on they would turn to look at the machine. They couldn't figure out why the cuff kept coming off. Drew happened to look back while waiting for a reading, and he seen Tyler taking the cuff off. Tyler looked up and seen Drew looking at him, and he knew he had been caught. Tyler smiled like a devil and laughed out loud. I've never heard a laugh like that out of a child. Drew and Peg laughed at him, and it seemed to give him satisfaction knowing he had played them the way he did. I've never been around kids that much, and I was always taken aback by how smart Tyler was. He knew everything going on around him. The last memory I have of Tyler is how attached he was to his mom. Drew was holding Tyler trying to give Peg a break. Peg fell asleep for ten minutes at the most. Tyler played with us fine while his mom slept. We played with his toys and even had smiles from him, but as soon as he seen she was up, his arms reached for her. Once he knew she was awake we were no good to him. He started to cry, and when she walked over and took him from Drew, he smiled making sure we knew he was the boss. My brother would have more memories, but I know the one he would probably tell is the exact same thing he always told me. Even when Tyler didn't feel good, even when he (Drew) didn't feel good, Tyler always found a way to make him smile. He called him Tiger because he would growl at him. Drew would walk in and Tyler would growl. It was their hi. Drew felt privileged one day when he (Drew) was not feeling well, and Tyler looked up at him, and then handed Drew his favorite blanket. His dad speaking at his service said it right. Tyler could make even the coldest person smile.

Richelle's Memory

This is Richelle, TyTy's night nurse. She took care of TyTy from beginning to end. She is fun to be around, and she always took such good care of TyTy. She worked nights so we always talked through night meds. We would come in the morning, and she would have him all snug in his blankets, and with the relaxation channel on. I remember her telling me I've tried to lay him straight, and he always slides down, and sleeps crooked. She tried everything trying to get him to lay up and down. Soon Richelle gave in, and said if he is comfortable that way I will let him sleep that way. Richelle is good with the patients. She talked to TyTy. Whenever she came in she would talk to him, and I believe it put him at ease. That's what I liked about her. If she gave meds or hung meds she would always talk to him like she would anyone else. He would just look at her with his full attention. Her memory had me laughing because I can remember what she is talking about. Clear as day. I'll never forget that night. Richelle also has been supportive since TyTy's night time.
Bob told me one night he remembers Tyler crying, and she walked in and started talking to him even though he couldn't talk back and he stopped crying and listened to her contently. She always interracted with him like they were outside of the hospital, and he was a regular kid. Richelle was always in a good mood, and she was exactly the bright smile he needed every night. She was with us beginning to end. Richelle is someone we will never forget. Bob and I both think that out of all the regular night nurses Richelle was TyTy's favorite. We will never forget Richelle, and TyTy will forever carry her in his heart in heaven. Here is Richelle's Memory.




He was such a sweet lovable little guy. I just wanted to share a few of my many memories of Tyler. Since I work nights, I didn't always have a chance to see Tyty awake much. I remember cuddling with him in the rocking chair when he was a baby and feeding him his bottle, just enjoying the quiet time with him. He was such a snuggler! I also remember how he was so good about taking his meds in the middle of the night without hardly a fuss. However, I do remember how he could give us "a piece of his mind" when he wanted to. He would give a good yell and get his one leg a thumping against the mattress. It would remind me of Thumper the rabbit from "Bambi". I couldn't help but laugh at this at times because he was going to have his say too, especially when we were doing something he didn't like (ie: suctioning out his nose). My one last memory, was how well he dealt with everything. There was one time that he had to go to CT on the night shift. Between Peg and I we had to transport Tyler in a stroller along with an oxygen tank on wheels, a pulse oximetry monitor, and an IV pole. We worked well as a team and Tyty made it to and from CT without too much incendent. Not once did he fuss. He just watched Peg and I as we manuvered him along with the 3 "machines" as if we were a comedy act. I always enjoyed taking care of him.

Ruth's Memory

This is Ruth. She was Dylan's primary night nurse, and Tyler's weekend nurse, but most of all she was like a second mom to the whole family. I will cry the whole time I write this. Ruth and Nicole both tug on my heart when I speak of them. They are so special. As I read through Ruth's memory, I realized even more how special the relationship this family had with her, because she did truly know us, and truly appreciated everything about us. I can't put into words what we feel for Ruth, or what Tyler felt for her. There are so many things I want to say, and I don't know how to put them into words, because no matter what I say about Ruth, it will never be a true expression of how much we have come to love her. Ruth was a constant in Tyler's care, she has been with us since the beginning. I never worried when I had to be gone for the other boys when Ruth was his nurse. I think Tyler liked it too. Tyler was small, but his mind was always working overtime. He knew just how to play us (his family) to get what he wanted. I knew Ruth was part of us when I went up one weekend after being sick. Ruth looking so tired holding him in the chair, because he would not let her put him down. He wanted held, and he cried any time she tried to put him down, so Ruth sat in that chair cuddling TyTy, who now was happy as a clam. After Ruth left, Bob said, he is playing her like he does us. TyTy knew she was a part of this family, it was his initiation. She passed. TyTy knew she was more than just his nurse. She was someone who loved and cared for him. That night showed me that. Ruth is a wonderful nurse, but there is something more about her. There is a peace about her that when you are with her, you just feel like you are supported and cared about. She was such an amazing support to the boys, Bob, and I, but more importantly she was a rock of support and care for TyTy. Ruth came in the day TyTy went to sleep. I know how hard that was for her, but she was there the whole day for us, and most importantly TyTy. I know in my heart he knew she was there. She brought that day the same peace and love she did the last two years for him. I will never forget that day, Ruth leaned down and kissed TyTy on the forehead, I could almost see her own heart break, and then she looked me in the eyes, and at that moment I felt such a tremendous strength and love from her. She reached down kissed him again, and I could see her shake. As she walked out I whispered to TyTy, who had already passed, you were so blessed to have her love TyTy. He truly was.
Nothing I have said came out the way I want it to, or even touches all she is. I can't seem to say the right words. Ruth is an amazing woman, nurse, and person. TyTy was so fortunate to have her in his life, so blessed to have her hands trying to heal him. As I read through this memory Ruth wrote, the tears fall so fast. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever read. Why? When she walked in TyTy's room, she didn't just hang a med and then leave, she held on to the same memories we did. She treasured the same memories we hold so close to us now. Ruth is more than Dylan and TyTy's nurse, she IS a part of us always and forever. TyTy knew, he knew, the heart of gold that lay in Ruth. Here is Ruth's Memory.

I'll try to put some memories of TyTy into words.

It was always a special moment for me when he first woke up from a nap. I'd be standing at his crib and he'd peek out at me, then scan the room to see if his mommy or daddy was there. If the room was bare, he'd reach his arms up to me. Never once did he ever reach out to me if Bob or Peg were in sight. I also loved to see him napping on Peg's lap. He'd be draped across her legs with his arms spread. So absolutely relaxed, knowing he was in his most safe place. I loved how he always kept his blanket within reach and poked his little fingers through the holes.

Tyler was so impatient sometimes. He didn't have much patience when I was doing 'nurse' things like giving him a bath or lubing up his skin. He'd holler and insist that I stop immediately. His eyes would say, "LET'S PLAY NOW." I loved having time to hold him and sing a song or read a book. He loved sitting in the stroller at the nurse's desk. He'd hold on tight to his race car steering wheel and every once in a while hit the noise button with his thumb and grin from ear to ear to get your attention. I loved all the other 'boy' toys that were scattered around his crib. It was so obvious that Dylan or Brandon had picked out some of them just for Ty Ty. My favorite picture of Ty Ty is dressed in the lion costume for Halloween.

My most precious memories of Tyler were on Sunday evening when the whole family was together. It was chaos with everyone talking at once and Dylan calling out to show you something on the computer. I'd step in the room and over Brandon's bare feet as he lay partway under the table. This was the best fun for Tyler to have his family together. These times, even though in the hospital, were the best they could be for Ty Ty. He'd grin and laugh out loud, loving it when Dylan and Brandon would tell him things.

I'm glad I was a small part in Tyler's life. He will be in my heart forever.

Jenn's Memory

The memories are pouring in. Keep them coming! We love reading them! TyTy would love to know he touched so many people. He was so special, and I'm so glad other people see it, and hold it close to them. Thank you to those who have written. I will post one a day.

This is Jenn, by far TyTy's favorite person in that hospital. She would come in, and it was like Bob and I weren't there. If he was laying down, he would want to sit up, and if he was sitting up he would get in some pretty flexible positions to see her. During the later part of his stay she worked in another area of the hospital, but she came to visit him many times. It was TyTy, and Bob and I's good break in the day when she came in. She was excellent at her job, and it was never the same once she left, but she would come in, and it was like talking to a friend at home, and TyTy just loved her. He had alot of favorites up there, but TyTy had a big, special spot for Jenn. If he would of been older I would dare to say crush. Jenn, has also been real supportive since TyTy's passing, one that has written several times, and has been nothing but wonderful to us. She is the sweetest person we have ever met, and sometimes I think that is why TyTy liked her so much. She was just so easy to be around. In the hospital TyTy was never himself, even on good days, he seem to clam up, and not feel comfortable, but I think she made him feel comfortable. He liked having her in his room. Jenn is another person who will just never leave our hearts. We know she was in TyTy's. Here is Jennifer's Memory.


I have fond memories of Tyler. When I use to go in to clean his room, he would not keep his eyes off of me. Tyler always made me smile. I knew to always clean his room very well, because he would watch me just to make sure I was doing it right. He liked it cleaned a certain way! :-) Another memory I have of Tyler is one day when his parents were out for the day. I went in to clean his room and he looked lonely. So, I decided to sing him the ABC's and whistle to him. He loved attention and I liked giving it to him. He was such a sweet boy and I am happy I was able to get to know him.

Steve's Memory

This is Steve, Tyler AND Dylan's PA. Also known as our "go to guy". We've known him for roughly ten years, throughout the course of their treatment. Dylan's yearly appointments will be followed by him as well. One paragraph will not sum up what Steve was to TyTy, or this family. Not enough can be said about how hard this man works, and how much he becomes a part of the family. Behind Bob, Tyler's brothers, and I, Steve was the person who knew TyTy best. Through the last two years, I truly believe he cared for Tyler, and in today's hospitals, you just don't get that when you go anywhere above nursing. There were so many times he would be due home, and you would see him on the BMT Ward at 5:30, 6:00, checking in with patients to make sure everything was okay, or to give them test results. So many times I would look over when the doctors were talking, and he would be rubbing TyTy's back. The one thing I picked up on is when they would examine TyTy, most doctors or consults, would leave his diaper open, and walk away, Steve would always fasten his diaper, button his outfit back up, and put his blanket back on him. Just something a mother picks up on. Without Steve, the Bone Marrow Ward would fall apart. He is the glue that holds it together. When you are a patient, your trust waivers so much with the staff, but Steve is the one person, we truly trusted with TyTy's life. Even the day TyTy went to sleep, it was Steve who kept an important promise, and helped us decide what was best for TyTy. He has also answered Bob and I's many questions afterwards. He knows every inch of his patients. Between Drew, and Steve, I have such a respect for the three letters PA-C. He played the most important role in TyTy and Dylan's care. Here is Steve's Memory (Note: He is an efficient guy, so he can sum up what he wants to say in few words, unlike me.)



My best memory of TyTy was him sitting in you or Bob's lap, and smiling from ear to ear. My favorite outfit was his bomber jacket.

Amy's Memory

Nurse TyTy in the house!

Amy was another one of Tyler's favorite nurses. She was one of his main nurses in the last few months of his life. She was there for alot of good times, and many of his hard days too. She also has been supportive since his passing. I want to say this, in all truth their duty to TyTy was done the day he took his last breath, but none of our nurses have treated it that way. They came to his service, which is many miles for them. They have all wrote or emailed, or offered to listen when we need an ear. I've even written back and forth with many of them. They dont have to do that, but it shows you the care they had for TyTy, and the quality nurses, and PEOPLE they are. Amy was also one of Ty's favorites. There was a bunch he loved and adored. Amy was one of them, and she has been through alot with us during TyTy's last months. She holds a spot in our hearts. She is a wonderful nurse, and we, especially TyTy, were blessed to find that out. Here is Amy's Memory


My favorite memory of Ty-Ty was one day after I heplocked him and you took him for a wagon ride. After he got back from exploring the hospital he refused to get out of the wagon and was being pulled around the BMT loop several times clutching his bag of chips. He stopped for awhile to talk to Sara and me and at that time decided to reach in his chip bag pull out a chip and act like he was going to eat it then dropped it over the side of the wagon onto the floor and start laughing. Then he reached his hand back in the bag, looked up at Mom, looked over at Sara and me, all with his mischievious look on his face, and dropped the chip on the floor again and started laughing.
Tyler was always full of smiles and could always make you laugh. I loved to sit there and cuddle and play with him when you guys weren't there.

Nammy's Memory

I think everyone knows who Nammy is. This is Tyler's Grandma (my mom). Sundays were known as Nammy day to my kids, especially Tyler. They always look forward to her coming. We still have Nammy day, but now we can only talk about you Tyler. Today we looked through your pictures, and talked about all the memories. Nammy misses you alot Tyler. Here is Nammy's Memory.


My most precious memories of Tyler are my Sundays with him, when Tyler was at home I would go up and spend the afternoon. I would ask Peg " What can I do? I will do laundry anything you need" normally all she would need was " just play with Ty ma, while I get his meds ready or some other task usually dealing with Ty's care. Sometimes Tyler would be on his blanket in the middle of the floor I would greet him and his return greeting was a huge smile and flapping his arms, nothing sweeter to this grandma.
I would sweep Ty up in my arms and off to the couch we would go. We would start out just talking I would hold him up on my left arm and he would grap my necklace never pulling he just liked to hold the stone that hung from it. I would tickle and cuddle, make faces and giggle at each other. When Tyler start doing his " dirtly old man laugh" I couldn't make him laugh enough. Sometimes we would play with the favorite toy of the time, he had a music guitar that he really liked later it was a telephone that talked back to him.
Soon we would both be getting sleepy eyed so I would put him down in the bend of my arm and prop my arm up with my knee sitting sideways on the couch and Tyler and Nammy would drift off to dreamland feeling safe with each other. What a wonderful feeling when I would wake up and the first thing I would see and feel was Tyler laying there so warm and sweet.
If his tummy had been doing well there was sure to be a snack I remember the time mom had ran out of the favorite cereal, and he couldn't understand why every piece didn't taste right so he would take it out and lay it on my chest. Thank you TyTy that is what nammy needed. Peg and I both laughed so hard that day I think he thought we were crazy.
When it was diaper changing time as Tyler got older he hated it more so as Peg would be doing the dirty work I would lay down by his head and try and keep him happy, sometimes I failed at that and he was one mad little boy. He got to the point he hated being messed with. Time ususally flew way too fast and after spending some time with the big boys I had to leave. There were several trys at getting to the door it was always so hard to leave knowing that it would be a whole week before I would see them again or if Tyler was having a bad day that he might be in the hopstial before the week was up. I have so many happy memories, of Tyler as I am sure everyone that was able to spend sometime with him does. Yes he was a special little boy.

Nicole's Memory

Most of you know I've asked for memories of Tyler to be sent, and I will post them along with pictures as they come. If you would like to send one and didn't know about this please do to dbrpm@frontiernet.net or dewytink@yahoo.com . This is from one of Tyler's favorite nurses.( he had many). Nicole was with us the day he passed away, and has become such a strong support for this family, but more importantly she took WONDERFUL care of our TyTy for two years and then on that day he passed, she was so gentle with him, and took great care of him. I'm glad she was with this family on that day. She holds such a special place in TyTy's heart and a special spot in ours as well. Here is Tyler's Nurse Nicole's favorite memory. Thank you Nicole.

This would have been roughly May or June before TyTy turned two. I had assigned one of my nursing students TyTy. She was nervous about taking care of him, because she had never had such a young patient, and asked me to come in with her. When I walked in, TyTy gave me his little half smile to say, "good morning," but then craned his neck to see who was behind me. When he saw somebody he didn't know, I saw that devilish gleam of his cross his eyes, and he started screaming bloody murder. I looked at him, said "TyTy, knock it off! You know me, and she's here to play with you today." TyTy immediately stopped screaming, but still pouted at me for spoiling his fun. I turned around, and my student was literally standing there with her jaw dropped. I couldn't help but laugh, and I said to her, "he's just being two, you know-- he's just messing with you!" I don't think she was prepared for that much scheming out of such a little guy!

I have one of my own, too. It was a busy day, and TyTy was alone most of the afternoon. We had left his door open so he could at least see us, but he was getting crabby about what he felt was a lack of attention. I was trying to talk to him as I was working at the desk, right across from his room, but I guess in his book that still wasn't enough. I heard a strange rattle-like noise, peeked over the desk to be sure everything was ok, couldn't figure out what the noise was, decided TyTy looked all right, and continued my work. Pretty soon I heard the noise again. After a couple more times, I kept watching to figure out where it was coming from. Pretty soon I saw TyTy take his bottle and run it along his crib railing like a prisoner with a tin cup, all the while looking my direction expectantly! I have to admit, though, his scheme worked. I was laughing so hard, I just couldn't leave him in there alone any longer!

What They Didn't Get To See/No Germs In Heaven

What They Didn't Get To See

I look at these pictures
you were so onery
I see your sneaky smile
oh the trouble you would've given me

I smile when I see
all the trouble you got into
and that's at the young sick age
of only a short two

The cookie package laid on the table
you ate four on your own
You let me scold your brother
You smiled...I should of known

The pringles you dumped on the floor
Brandon took the time out for that
All the while you played on your piano
Sweet TyTy wouldn't do that

The exercise tape you ripped up
momma never used it so it made sense
I sent Dylan to his room before I seen
Little TyTy wrapped in the evidence

I had a soda on the table
there was no bottle I could see
Dylan did you drink my pop
Mom it wasn't me

I walk through the house
caffeine fix that I can't hide
There sits little TyTy with the bottle
and now his eyes open wide

I caught you didn't I
You gave me that same sneaky smile
I snap the oh so cute picture
you thought you were in trouble for awhile

That was your way though TyTy
our yells for you were always mute
You had this way of making your trouble
looks so gosh darn cute

There you were making pizzas with dad
Brandon lending a hand too
when I asked who dumped the flour
your hands raised...of course it was you

What is the mess surrounding you TyTy
you do your champion salute
you knew I couldn't yell at you then
because you knew you were cute

Cereal all over the floor
I said Tyler they are at school, it was you
You look up and give me that smile
Now how could I yell at you

Dylan wanted to watch spongebob
he yelled until he had a sore throat
the channel kept changing to the food network
there sat you playing with the remote

Most never seen this of you
now all we have is picture and memory
Oh how I long for you to be here
causing trouble and keeping me busy

No Germs In Heaven

Momma is sick today
sore throat aching head
before this would of been a problem
now I just lay in bed

I don't have to wear a mask
worry about the germ to you
no precautions or lysol
no worries of who will take care of you

Germ X is nowhere to be found
I can cough and touch anything
no harm will be done to you
no consequence to my sneezing

No sleeping on different story
Any part of the home is free
there is no protective bubble for you
the germs can pour off of me

My throat hurts and my body aches
I can touch anything and do what I need to do
Just another devastating reminder
that heaven has you

Our Favorite Picture (Sadly Beautiful)

The mere words I express in these poems TyTy don't even touch how much it hurts and how much we miss you. This picture is so beautifully painful to me.


Our Favorite Picture
(Sadly Beautiful)

Your blue eyes staring back at us
legs crossed in your oh so sweet pose
your red and chubby cheeks smiling
smashing your tiny little nose

Dylan loves this picture
he carries it in his pocket
Brandon and Dada wear it in a pin
I keep it in a heart locket

We have it framed and in Dylan's room
he says it makes him think you're here
sometimes it hurts to look right at you
when my arms can't feel you near

You were sitting and watching your brothers
they were in the pool that summer day
I told one of my many lies to you
when I said it would be you one day

You would sit by the bay window
look out and laugh at all they would do
they would take the hose and go wild
squirting at the window trying to get you

You would laugh and giggle out loud
so much you could let out no sound TyTy
the force of your chubby cheeks
brought a happy tear to your eye

There would come a point after the laugh
you would lose your smile and stare
you didn't want to be in that bay window
you too wanted to be out there

I would pat your head and say it's okay
you will one day be out there too
then I would joke and tickle your tummy
momma wont be able to keep track of you

It seemed to be enough for you
you never left a smile for too long
but now I write and wonder
if you ever thought I could be wrong

This picture is beauty to me
I think you look your very best TyTy
I know most see the red skin and steroid weight
I see strength when I look in those blue eye

I see a baby with no SCIDS
no GvH on your skin
A baby put through hell
but found the beauty within

Your smile and gorgeous blue eyes
that still can melt me to tears
you learned in your short life
what most of us don't in all our years

You knew of the world around you
you knew you wanted to be a part of it
but you never let it weigh you down
you smiled and made the best of it

We physically created you TyTy
but an angel always laid inside of you
spirits like yours aren't inherited
heaven poured straight out of you

This is our favorite picture
we sit and stare in awe of your fight
none of us had the power you did TyTy
your life was surrounded in spirited light

This is the picture we carry with us
your big beautiful eyes full of light
We could reach in and grab you
hold you all through the night

This is our favorite picture
the one we all hold onto
to give us the love and courage
that always laid inside of you

Just To Talk To You TyTy

Just To Talk To You TyTy


Hi TyTy,

Tonight I just want to talk to you
it's all I have now that you're gone
pictures that fill this web page
and the pain that seems to carry on

It hurts when I miss you TyTy
but it hurts more when I think of all you lost
the decisions we made and all we did wrong
and you baby boy paid the high cost

Every night I try to lay my head
I say outloud dont think about that day
but the tears fall and I see your blue lips
and the memory just wont fade away

I pace through the night alone
look at pictures of you so happy
sometimes it makes it hurt worse
when I think about all you could be

I have this picture in my head
and its the one memory that stays with me
I drove you around the nurses station for hours
you smiled the whole time you were so happy

I dont know what hurts worse
the sight of your blue lip
or that happy wagon ride
that fell from life's grip

We fought so hard for you
even during pregnancy
we always had the threat of your death
I never thought this would be our reality

Sometimes I stare into space
try to concentrate with all my might
pretend you are staring back at me
while I hold you so very tight

Some take that wrong
that I just want you here with me
I have found its not the without you part that hurts
its all that you got cheated out of sweet baby

You should be playing outside
running with your brother
wrestling with daddy
cuddling with your mother

I just wanted to talk to you tonight TyTy
you know how mommy used to
I dont know if you ever listened
but you always pretended to

It was always you and me buddy
all the trouble you could get into
remember the box of cereal you dumped
I just couldn't be mad at you

How many times you would sit by me
while my deadline was needing to be met
I would just get the story finished
You would push escape and I would fret

I never got mad though, I'd laugh
you would flash that smile at me
I couldn't be mad at those chubby cheeks
and you knew it too sweet baby

You were always so warm
we all liked to cuddle you
you made us all so happy TyTy
I hope and pray we did the same for you

I just wanted to talk to you baby
I got an email from Ruth and Nicole
They miss you so much too TyTy
you've left such a huge hole

You aren't forgotten TyTy
you left such a huge footprint
we can all still see and feel you
we just wish it wasn't heaven sent

I hope you are warm enough
I worry about that I know its weird TyTy
but it hurts to know you could feel alone
and I can't hold or cure your cry

I guess I should say goodnight TyTy
seems weird to have to let you go
I should be doing your meds and CVN now
my hands dont know where to go

You should be refusing to sleep now
playing your fishy songs on your crib toy
I would be so darn tired TyTy
I would still smile at you sweet boy

That's what you did TyTy
made everyone happy
no matter the worst mood
you would make us smile so easily

You were a force we can't forget
courage and spirit we could never add up to
every day I miss you Tyler
the more I admire you

You suffered the greatest pain
fought the hardest fight
laid alone so many weekends
slept away from home at night

You were the one who was strong
the one who suffered so
you are the one who was cheated
out of your chance to grow

I lay down here weak and beaten
while your courage is soaring high
I'm proud of your strength in spirit
I just wish I could see it with my eye

I will say good night now TyTy
maybe I can bring myself to talk again
I feel like a failure because I can't be strong
like you were our little champion

One more thing,your brother is really sick now TyTy
we're scared of what this could be
can you just hover over him tonight
keep him tucked in your spirit safely

Goodnight precious one
I'm so proud of you
sweet dreams in the sky TyTy
I'll sleep dreaming of you

It Hurts/Mommys should be able to fix everything

It Hurts

Little blue eyes
looking up at me
a sneaky and precious smile
left only for memory

Your rough skin touch
Your puffy finger grip
I try my hardest to feel you
you're right on my fingertip

Your contagious giggle
followed by a little squeal
I don't think the broken hearts left
will ever have the strength to heal

Your tiny little butt
scooting across the floor
we wont lose our breath
laughing at the sight anymore

Your little button nose
snuggled against our cheek
I place my hand there
my heart beats weak

No more arms in the air
when we say champion
your fight has ended
you should of won

I'm staring into space
my brain holding onto you
trying to remember every thought
of your life I can hold onto

I imagine holding you
see you look at me
baby you were so gorgeous
full of life and personality

It isn't fair TyTy
heaven and god or not
you deserved to be given life
after how hard you had fought

Your chubby little legs
kicking in your sleep
immediately sends me to
a hysterical crying weep

TyTy I miss you baby
it hurts so damn bad
i don't even care if this rhymes
i want someone to give you back


mommys should be able to fix everything

mommy take the pain away
it wont stop hurting inside
time makes it harder
it don't matter how many times i've cried

please mommy please
take his heart make it beat again
i'll do whatever it takes
if you can bring him back again

can't you fix this
i want you too
i feel like a little girl
wanting to run to you

it hurts so bad mommy
i keep trying i promise
but every time i get up
i see all he will miss

bring him back mommy
i'll take his place
just let me pass him in the sky
so i can once again see his face

mommy its not selfish
i promise you
i don't need to feel him
i just want him to have life too

mommy make it go away
the pain i feel in my skin
make me forget the memories
the pain he lived in

please mommy please
i'll do whatever you ask me to
someone has to be able to make it better
you always used to

i know you would mommy
and i know you can't take this away
because if mommys could make it all better
he wouldn't of stopped breathing that day