One, long, hot summer...

It's been a very long and sad summer. One thing after another, but that's just life stuff, and bound to happen. What really crippled your dad and myself this summer was missing you. For some reason, to which we cannot figure out, the pain has felt like the first year after we lost you all over again, and we've dealt with it much in the same way we did the first year... taking it out on each other, shutting down, insomnia, on edge, depression, pushing each other away, diving into our own interest outside of each other, your dad with work, and me watching movie after movie trying to escape reality in any form I can.
I watched a movie that started this for me, someone had lost a child to Wilms, a form of cancer, a little girl, and the guy was telling this other little girl how when you go to heaven you stay the same age and never grow older, and it stopped me, and this may sound stupid to anyone who hasn't lost a child, but so many times I found comfort in the dreams I had of you, I tricked myself into thinking you were trying to reach me, talk to me, tell me to keep going, and that it's ok, but so many of those dreams were you of all ages, looking different, older, grown, teenager, and although some were of you as the way you looked when you passed on, it broke my heart. I once again had been a fool, and let my heart and the longing for you trick me into thinking you were still floating somewhere trying to say hi to mommy, and it couldn't be, because you, only a few times, came to me as you had when you had to leave us. They weren't you coming to me, I just must of thought about you before bed, and there you were in my brain, not my dream, not a spirit, no after life... It shattered me, made me stop believing, stop hoping. The very thing that got us through your two years, and then the five almost six, that have followed since you passed on.
Last night I had a dream. We were sitting in a group. Amazingly, my cousin Tom was there, not sure why, but he touched my arm and said you can do this, you're strong, much like he touched my arm at his father's, my beloved Uncle's, visitation, and I looked to my left and there you were. You weren't the twelve pound baby we said goodbye to, but you were a toddler, the size you would of been at two, had you been allowed the health, so many of us take for granted. You went up to my knees, and you turned and with a huge smile said Hi mommy, look my teeth are fixed. I got my teeth fixed. I guess I should explain this, in the last week before your death, Dr. Goldman, like us, knew it was close, and we just pulled out all the stops, trying to nail what was making you go downhill, he looked in your mouth and mentioned some mouth sores, and then said his teeth aren't growing in right, let's get a dentist up here, at the time, it was small, but bless Dr. Goldman's heart, I think he was trying to let us know he wasn't giving up, and he would do all he could until the very end, I had told him at Christmas, I begged him, please don't give up on him, he can be in that 10%, and he didn't, a week before your death we set up an appt. for the dentist to come up, to look at your teeth, but it never happened, because on my birthday, early morning, we got called into your room about two or so, and then a dentist was the least of our worries. As I was saying, you looked at me and said, mommy my teeth are fixed and you were so happy, and I remember thinking in my dream, oh sweet angel, out of all the pain and torture in your body, why are you so happy about your teeth? lol *tear* Out of everything so wrong in your little body, your teeth? lol *tear* You smiled at me and you stepped to me and gave me the biggest hug and said thank you mommy, like I had just given the big WOW Christmas present. That hug felt so real TyTy, I could feel it, I felt you hugging me after so long without you, I felt your hug, I could feel it in my dream, and I remember my arms around you like a toddler, not a little baby. I held your Build A bear monkey the other day and thought my gosh, this is bigger than he was when he passed on, but in this dream there was a body to hold and I felt you squeezing me and tight. Then that big smile. Then Tom looks at me and says see you did good. I have no idea what any of this meant, and I haven't thought about it, because whether it was a dream I had of you because I was thinking of you before I went to bed, or you were there, I felt your hug, and it just made it worth it. Most times after having a dream about you, about the bad times or the good times, you wake up thinking it was just a dream and I go to your room and it's not there, but I woke up at five after only a two hour cat nap (insomnia not fun) and I smiled and I looked at your dad and said I had a dream about Tyler. That hug felt so nice, it has carried me through today, and I've gotten up and done things I haven't done all summer. I know it's just a start, maybe a false one, but that hug felt so damn good, just for today... I'm letting myself have it.
I miss you dearly, I hope you're up there safe and sound with those pearly whites. lol *tear* Show my Uncles around, ok Tyty? I love you and miss you so much it hurts, so that hug helped, and I hope it helped you too my angel.
Love your mommy,
Always.