If You Had Your Chance

If You Had Your Chance

I had a dream last night
I dont know whether to smile or cry
all three of my boys grown with me
grandchildren running by

The house was full of chaos
just like you always liked it to be
your dad and I were both there
another thing you loved so greatly

Our tired old bodies
required us to sit in our chair
we watched you boys play with your kids
while we tried to keep each one in our stare

The whole dream stopped
there was light around you
you kept moving in this dream
my mind wanted to capture you

Small framed and handsome
as I knew you would be
your eyes sparkled their blue
whenever you stared back at me

My aged heart and soul
never wanted to let you out of my sight
I watched as you loved your children
playing with and then holding them tight

You walked over to me
handed me your newest one
you kissed me on the forehead
here mom hold my little one

I held your baby in my arm
it felt like holding you all over again
where did this dream take me
is it a place I can stay in

I looked at you smile
as you watched me with your own baby
for a moment everything stopped
this is how it was supposed to be

You there in your all of twenty nine age
playing in the house you grew up in
your dad and I watching with pride
at all the love you three boys were swarmed in

I seen you wrestle with your brothers
you all gave up saying we're too old
your dad and I switch over the little one
it's time for him to hold

All three boys sitting in the living room
kids scattered everywhere
my heart giggles inside
as I think about all the trouble you caused in there

Time to go mom and dad
time to go home to your own wife and family
hugs and kisses are handed out
then your glowing soul gets to me

You grab me and give me a hug
its the tightest hug I've ever felt
you were always a cuddler
your touch could always melt

I didn't want to let go
I know what would be
Mom it's okay I will be back
you can let go of me

You are so handsome Ty
do you know that young man
yes because you always tell me mom
but I think you are a biased fan

Dylan and Brandon say their goodbyes
you wave and say you will see them again
the kids jump on your back
breaking the hug we are in

A tear falls down my face
I know this is all I will miss
you tell me once more I will see you again
and you give my forehead a kiss

You said I will see you later mom
and you walked out the door
my eyes lifted themselves open
you weren't there anymore

I have to push myself to face reality
you were my baby who died at two
the dream I just danced myself in
will never come true

i miss you tyty

i miss you tyty

if i had my chance again
i would never let you go
i would hold you so damn tight
heaven would let you go

if i had my chance again
i would stare endlessly into your eye
let the blue wrap around me
you could never say goodbye

if i had my chance again
i would sing to you all night
i wouldnt of left your room
fought sleep with all my might

if i had my chance again
i would endlessly play
hold on to your giggle
never let it fade away

if i had my chance again
i wouldn't of let you float away
i would of held you in my arms forever
and your heart will still beat away

if i had my chance again
i would never say goodbye
i would never feel your last breath
in my arms you wouldn't die

if i had my chance again
you wouldn't be stolen by heaven
healing hands would hold you
if i had my chance again

One Month Down A Lifetime To Go

This is not by any means a good poem. I had a very rough day yesterday and my head was so scattered and I questioned putting this up, but then a friend suggested I do. It's really what you go through when you lose someone like this. I can't describe the hurt that sits in my chest. This is what this poem is about. The helplessness of grief and how to deal with it.


One Month Down, A Lifetime To Go
(Heartache Chapter One)

One month ago
the last time you were in my hand
you took your last breath
and we still can't understand

Thirty days ago
your heart sailed away
ours broke into pieces
and have stayed that way

The constant weight on our chest
never leaves us so we can breathe awhile
the memories that hurt the most
should be what make us smile

Those are the hardest times
knowing you could of had more
did we make you suffer too much
and what was all your pain for

The what ifs are strangling us
could we have given you better
all our wrong choices
could of kept you from getting better

Our heads are struggling
our thoughts are scattered
all the replays fill our head
we stumble on all that mattered

Mommy couldn't breathe last night
I was scared for you, had I made the wrong choice
so many times I felt I had to give up
could you hear it in my voice

I wrote the doctor last night
tell me we didn't give up that day
I dont know what I was looking for
or if he would even say

I know this rhyme is going nowhere
just sputtering my crazy thought
but I can't come to terms with your loss
after how hard you had fought

Four weeks ago we lost your smile
only three weeks ago we played with you
now we visit a cold resting place
if we want to talk to you

Everyone has been great TyTy
sensitive and supportive too
but they just like us know
nothing can help the loss of you

I try to think of the reasons
at least you are at peace and no pain
but the thought of your smile living on
leaves that theory with a stain

Maybe life wouldn't of been joyful for you
but the last two years never stopped your smile
another theory laid to rest
I'll let my heart weep a longer while

We took down your crib
daddy found me there one day
I guess hours had passed
he couldn't get me away

I held your outfit
as he tried to pry me away
he told me it only hurt
so it was time to put it away

Sometimes if I dont think about it
I trick myself into thinking you are there alone
I caught myself calling the Bone Marow ward to check on you
The first ring I realized and cried as I hung up the phone

You weren't there
no nurse was assigned to you
I look at your picture and clinch in pain
I never again will see life in you

We hurt so badly TyTy
we know people would help if they could
we would trade our life to give you yours
I hope your heart knew we would

TyTy nurses have been writing
talking about your memory
they haven't forgot you TyTy
you left a mark so big my precious baby

It may be selfish in a way
but it makes mommy and daddy feel good too
knowing our biggest fear hasn't happened
people are not forgetting you

Thirty long days ago
I watched you leave TyTy
time hasn't even begun to heal
it hurts worse as the days go by

I want you so bad TyTy
it aches in every part of my skin
my heart is literally breaking
especially the part you're lodged in

I know this poem is scattered
but it is how I feel right now
I want to find peace for you
but I just dont know how

I worry we didn't do all we could
did we cheat you somehow
I know no matter the answer
it doesn't change things now

My precious TyTy
wherever life's stop took you to
we ache in the hopes you know
that our hearts love and miss you

In Pictures

In Pictures

I couldn't sleep last night
the last two years filled my head
I tossed and turned in your memory
I couldn't lay in the guilt ridden bed

Your beautiful face filled my heart
broken as it may be
but I found myself at three am
looking through all your memory

Pictures scattered on the floor
most of them in hospital TyTy
I sat on your blanket looking through them
Taking turns laughing and trying not to cry

I can pinpoint the days and times
I sit and wonder for awhile
you had a temperature of 104
how could you still smile

A day after surgery
an incision across your tummy
and there's the most beautiful picture
of you smiling with mommy

Four months off and on
we spent in Iowa City
most of your life was spent
away from home and most family

Yet I look through these scattered photos
and almost every one you are holding a smile
you are laughing and playing TyTy
I take comfort in that for awhile

Here is a picture so sweet
three IV's put in that day
you're blowing us a kiss
a kiss that was forever taken away

Mommy starts laughing
a picture of you making your scary face
you knew it creeped me out
you'd keep doing it to keep the smile on my face

Oh here come the tears again
sitting cute in your baseball hat
you'll never get to run the bases
or hold a much too big for you bat

Here is our favorite
your eyes grab my stare
your brothers would say champion
and your hands would go up in the air

You were our champion TyTy
we only wish we could be so strong
you left so much love and spirit
it will last us our life long

My heart breaks with the pictures baby boy
as I look through each and every one
these pictures are just a hint
of all you could of done

Only When I Breathe

The scary face you would do to make mommy laugh! It still makes me laugh TyTy!

Only When I Breathe

You're gone
we can't deny it anymore
weeks have gone by
you haven't crawled across the floor

Your crib is empty
the dent for which you lay
has come back to form
I noticed today

The swing stands still
no music to sing along to
no blankets to sneak and wash
to get back to the hands of you

No big sweet eyes
looking to me for touch
oh how I long for your arms
to reach for me so much

No toys to clean
none have been dropped on the floor
I guess the hidden germs
just dont matter anymore

No little outfits to wash
oh TyTy my heart is aching so
outfits you wore from birth
because your body was too weak to grow

No bottles to sterilize
remember how I used to boil them dry?
the smoke alarm would always ring
I could hear you thinking, mom why do you even try?

Every song on the radio
everywhere I look and everything I do
Every single place I go
brings me a memory of you

My heart is full of emotion
the pain begins to slowly seethe
when they ask me when it hurts the most
my response TyTy is only when I breathe

I Miss Him At Dinner Time (Brandon's Memories)

I Miss Him At Dinner Time
(Brandon's Memories)

We sat at the table tonight TyTy
daddy made us all spagetti
we sat your picture on the table
Brandon worried we would get it messy

It was quiet, only forks on plate
Brandon then spoke so softly
it's so quiet without TyTy
here to play with me

Member mommy he would throw his food
so he could get me to laugh and make noise
daddy would tell us to stop and you would say
they are just being boys

Member daddy when he would laugh
he would giggle until he turned red
and then that one time we found corn in his hair
even after he bathed and we put him in his bed

Member when he took his plate
dumped it over his head
covered up his face
and played peek-a-boo instead

Member when TyTy got out of his chair
you guys were so happy
I didn't understand why he didn't get in trouble
giggling he says, I would of if it was me

I miss TyTy at dinner time
he was so funny
it'll be quiet forever now
wont it mommy and daddy

Promises Promises/Heaven Sent/It's Too Cold For You

Promises Promises

You're sitting on your blanket
watching the boys run by
you can't get up and run with them
but there's still a twinkle in your eye

Happy and content
just to see them play
you throw down your toys
then laugh as they get in their way

Everytime they would run by
you would look up at me with a smile
I always used to say to you TyTy
one day you too will run the same mile

Now I look down at the bare floor
no quilt laid out for you to lay
our dead hopes of our fight paying off
remind me you'll never run and play

My heart breaks for you
you fought so hard TyTy
I promised it would be worth it
I never meant to lie

The pain is unbearable
sometimes I can't breathe my way through
the times it hurts the most TyTy
is when I think of all you wont be able to do

We would always tell you when you'd cry
or when a procedure had to be done
keep holding on and fighting TyTy
it'll be worth it when all is said and done

We broke a promise to you TyTy
something we said we would never do
this is when it hurts the most TyTy
when we face all the lies we told you


Heaven Sent

Cards poured in
people from far and near
sent us beautiful verses and poems
thoughts and prayers in tear

Newspapers were filled with you
your beautiful smile in print TyTy
now everyone can see
the beautiful baby that filled our eye

Businesses made decals
put a little halo over you
you're an angel on their window now
even at stop lights all of Iowa can see you

Flowers and plants poured in
teddy bears on all the vase
I wish you could see all who care for you
all who treasure your precious face

Home health care sent you balloons TyTy
you know like they always used to
they always put a smile on your face
they did us this time too

People are leaving beautiful things
on top of your resting place TyTy
even with all the snow baby boy
they still stop and tell you hi

It's all for you TyTy
you were loved by so many heart
it didn't matter they never seen you
or that we were all miles apart

No one is forgetting you TyTy
our love for your memory will never be bent
you were too special to fade away TyTy
you truly are an angel that heaven sent


It's Too Cold For You

It's cold in this house today TyTy
it has been for many day
your dada and I get chills
even the heater wont keep them away

We thought we were getting sick
nothing has shown up for now
goosebumps plague our grieving skin
we want to feel warmth but don't know how

Chills run up our spine
our lips are shivering too
the furnace says it is seventy four
where's all the heat going to

Maybe my thoughts are true
we don't deserve for warmth to be found
We are sitting in a warm house alive
while you are buried in snow covered ground

Standing Still

Standing Still

It was a hard day for us TyTy
we all needed to feel you near
we were all in different places
but we all cried the same tear

One by one TyTy
we all came home early
soon we spent our evening
trying to hold onto your memory

We went through picture albums
stared at our home video
held on to your toys and blankets
clung to your life's glow

We could hear your laugh again
see your beautiful smile
heard you say dada over and over
we all sat speechless for awhile

One by one again TyTy
we all silently dropped our tear
the cries then grew louder
we ached for you to be here

We all knew you were special TyTy
we knew you were our family glue
but life just isn't moving ahead for us
now that we are left without you

guilt of a mommy who deserves death

guilt of a mommy who deserves death

mommy is trying to think of words to write
but the words today just wont come
drowning in alcohol and sleeping pills
my fingers are have grown numb

i wish i could say the same
for my beating heart inside
because all day i looked at your picture
drank some more and cried

it finally hit me today
no more denial left to run
you will not ever be in my arms
your sainthood on earth is done

i thought the pouring would help
take all the pain from your death away
all it did was take away my senses
and the denial of your loss away

i know its not helping
but i can't take it away from my lip
the more i drink the more i forget
i'll never feel you in my grip

im really mad right now
mommy trusted them too much
they've went on with their lives
i'm still longing for your touch

my thoughts are scattered
i know you can tell by my word tyty
but mommy is hurting so bad right now
i dont see a reason for you to die

i think on the last weeks
i was so tired and ready to give in
i said it right in front of you
is that why you went to heaven

baby i'm sorry
i never gave up on you
mommy was scared and tired
i wanted better for you

i tried to make us a family
for one last time
the doctors wouldnt let you go home
theres no word here to rhyme

i'm sorry tyty
im trying to get to you
people keep saving me
i deserve to be where you are too

My Buddy

My Buddy

Your brothers are off to school
work has taken your daddy away
I stand in the living room alone
you always filled the rest of my day

There's no meds to measure
no vitals to sneak while you sleep
No IV meds to attach to your line
just tears of a mommy's weep

I walk through the living room
no blood pressure machine to trip on
all signs and realizations
that our little Ty Ty is gone

The sound of oxygen and air purifiers
don't fill this house anymore
There is a creepy sad silence
that I never quite wished for

The CVN machine hasn't beeped
though I keep myself on guard in case it does
my mind keeps playing these little tricks
taking me back to the way it was

I stroll by your crib
your antibiotic tray is still there
my hands ache to reach down
and find you still laying there

I sit at the kitchen table
where you would throw toys on the floor
look at me with a grin, see if I was gonna scold you
and then you would throw down one more

I stumble to do the dishes
you would always sit next to me
throw your toys in the water
just to get a smile out of me

One dish down
I can't do anymore
my weak knees
drop me to the floor

You are supposed to be awake by now
I'm supposed to be busy changing you
I'm not supposed to be standing here
not having anything to do

Wherever I went in this house
you were always with me
I never ached for a companion
or finished the day lonely

We made each other laugh
kept each other warm all day
you were my little buddy
the one bright spot of my day

Now I sit on wood floor
crying hysterically
but it don't matter how long I sit and cry
you're not here to need me

This house is empty
even when people are here
you were the center of our life
and now you fall in our tear

My first day lonely
there's no TyTy to hold onto
life just isn't worth living
if I have to live it without you

Healing Hands

Healing Hands

If my hands could heal
I would lay them on your skin
close my hopeful eyes
let my healing power sink in

I would watch your rough skin
turn smooth as silk in a touch
your puffy steroid cheeks would slim
and I would tighten my healing clutch

Your little tummy would soften
your little bottom would get a break
your legs and arms could stretch
without their cyclosporine shake

Your dark yellow eyes
would suddenly clear
and these healing hands
would wipe away your tear

I would run my healing hands
slowly across every inch of your skin
rub away every sign of GVH
that had attacked you within

If hopes and dreams were enough
to make this come true
I would of forever laid
my healing hands on you

Always On His Mind/ In Stone Forever

Ty's temp stone until the bigger one is paid off.



Always On His Mind TyTy

Hey mommy here is my homework
can you check it over for me
I had to make up questions and answer them
mom I'll read it to you it was so easy

If I was an animal
I would be a tiger but not in a zoo
If I was gonna be a crayon color
it would be blue

If I could have anything material
it would be a huge salt water fish tank
If I was a writer mom, with a little laugh
my paper would be blank

If I was on a deserted island
I would shake coconuts off the tree
I wouldn't share with Brandon
I'd just keep them for you and me

If I could change anything in the world
I would take away the diseases and pain
then no kids would be on the bone marrow ward
and they would never have to hurt again

If I could go back to one day in time
mom don't get upset and cry
but I would go back to the day
when you went to the hospital and had TyTy



In Stone Forever

There you are my precious TyTy
laid forever on stone
We're left only with memories
while you lay cold and alone

Your eyes are shining
they were always in a life filled dance
oh how you could of changed the world
if only given the chance

Your smile sparkles on the grain
in life it shined brighter
this stone doesn't show all you were
you were such a little fighter

There is your birth date
oh you were so precious TyTy
we were never more proud
then when we seen you in our eye

I see the end date on stone
the day after my birthday
the day you stopped breathing
the day you went away

There's the name we gave you
as we looked into your newborn eye
I never thought it would look back at me on stone
I thought you'd be by our stone telling us goodbye

But here we are instead
crying over your left beauty
a sad reminder we'll never see your life
and we are left with just memory

There you are on stone TyTy
it's final and the stone makes me see
I will never hold your warm spirit
you are never coming back to me

Sleeping To See You/Aching For Tyler

Sleeping To See You

I fell asleep today
in hopes you would appear
I know it's a set up for heartache
but I have to feel you near

I can see you in your crib
laughing with a gleam in your eye
you reach out your hand for me
you want to tell that crib goodbye

I walk over to you
hold you up to my chest
a noise startles me
"let your mommy rest"

My eyes drift away again
you are still there
laying under my chin
ready for your morning care

I walk you down the stairs
get the heprin and saline ready
time to clean the c-line
Now TyTy you hold steady

You twist and turn
grab toys and play peek-a-boo
I get your medicine ready
one quick "TyTy I see you"

Steroids are in and you're flushed
time for the oral meds and you cry
maybe in this dream I'll skip them
I think that is something we can sneak by

I hand you your bottle
and we spend hours in the chair
my aching heart actually feels
like you are really in my stare

You fuss a little
it is time for your morning nap
I'll lay you down because you resist sleep
when you lay in momma's lap

I lay you back in your crib
you stare at me until both our eyes drift away
my heart feels warm and full again
maybe this took the heartache away

"Mom Dylan took my playstation game
and he turned his music volume on."
I look over to your crib and my heart aches
Tyler, it hasn't been a nightmare, you are really gone


Aching For Tyler

I can still see your eyes
dancing around the room
keeping an eye on everyone
even during your pained days of gloom

I can still hear your laugh
your sneaky giggle we all did adore
your brothers would have you laughing so hard
no sound could be heard from you anymore

I can still hear you so clear
call for dada and make him stir
nothing made you happier
then when we were all together

I can see your arms reach up
you know mommy's grip means no harm
momma aches as she tries so hard Tyler
but I can't feel you in my arm

I see a baby reach for their mommy
and I think that should be you reaching for me
a part of my heart dies
I ache for just the memory

TyTy's Lost Years On Stone

TyTy's Lost Years On Stone

I seen your picture on stone today
for the first time your smile broke my heart in two
I can see the life that enriched your soul
and now this picture on stone is all we have of you

There will be no first day of kindergarten
you will never come in with mud head to toe
I will never hear you say "but mom"
I will never see your little body grow

I wont hear you beg for a puppy
or see you ride a bike for the first time
there'll be no friends birthday parties
or even a tree for you to climb

Junior high will never be in your eye
no girlfriend to crush on
You'll never pick up a basketball
your chance for high school is gone

No class ring to give to a girl
No prom picture for mom to take
no chance to work on your first car with dad
no school night curfews to break

TyTy will never walk down the gym aisle
mom and dad will never see you grown in a tie
2020 will bring many diplomas to put in hand
but none of them will have the printed name TyTy

College will never see how smart you could be
there'll be no wife and kids to cherish and love
there'll be no career ladder to climb
no goals set to rise above

I seen your face on stone today
December 30, 2005 your last day
fifty years of life and memories for you
just unfairly taken away

I seen your face on stone today TyTy
I've prayed so much for my wish to come true
that somehow your mommy could fix this
and give the years you deserved back to you

Our Boy With The Golden Heart

Our Boy With The Golden Heart

So many nights baby boy
We watched you lay in pain
Seen you suffer through the treatments
as the disease left its filthy stain

Our hearts hurt just watching you
we know you felt it so much more
but your little heart kept fighting
you had so much to live for

Tubes and needles were constant
most times you acted as if they weren't there
it always bothered mama and dada more
your precious heart just didn't care

You were the one in pain
but if you seen one of us shed a tear
you would make us laugh baby boy
chasing away any lingering fear

So many days we stood by your crib
cried over the pain inflicting you
You wouldn't have us crying TyTy
you would decide to play peek-a-boo

You were the one with medicine
trickling through your little vein
but you were the one making us laugh
trying to take away our pain

Nothing made you happier
than seeing us smile for you
no matter the pain you felt
no one was sad around you

You had that way about you TyTy
always making us feel warm inside
Your laugh was contagious
it made the scared tears run and hide

One look at your precious face
and courage was on full display
no pain would chase your smile away
that wasn't TyTy's way

Your laugh still echoes
we stop and listen for awhile
even in heaven baby
you're still making us smile

Your time here was short
and your body may of been small
you couldn't even take a step
but you left the biggest footprints of all

What you gave to us TyTy
some people never share
the strength and beauty inside
that most don't even know is there

You were unselfish in your love TyTy
it still lingers though we are apart
you are what so many wish to be
you are our boy with the golden heart


Angel Forever In Our Heart

Take your angel wings
slowly fly away
hover over us
as we walk through grieving day

Cradle us with your wing
you were the strongest of us all
use your heavenly touch TyTy
to help us up when we fall

Hold your wings up proud TyTy
wear them with couragous pride
we smile at the thought of your beauty
no matter the grieving tears cried

Let your angel wings remind you
that we long for you while we are apart
you are not only an angel in heaven
you are forever an angel in our heart