One Month Down A Lifetime To Go

This is not by any means a good poem. I had a very rough day yesterday and my head was so scattered and I questioned putting this up, but then a friend suggested I do. It's really what you go through when you lose someone like this. I can't describe the hurt that sits in my chest. This is what this poem is about. The helplessness of grief and how to deal with it.


One Month Down, A Lifetime To Go
(Heartache Chapter One)

One month ago
the last time you were in my hand
you took your last breath
and we still can't understand

Thirty days ago
your heart sailed away
ours broke into pieces
and have stayed that way

The constant weight on our chest
never leaves us so we can breathe awhile
the memories that hurt the most
should be what make us smile

Those are the hardest times
knowing you could of had more
did we make you suffer too much
and what was all your pain for

The what ifs are strangling us
could we have given you better
all our wrong choices
could of kept you from getting better

Our heads are struggling
our thoughts are scattered
all the replays fill our head
we stumble on all that mattered

Mommy couldn't breathe last night
I was scared for you, had I made the wrong choice
so many times I felt I had to give up
could you hear it in my voice

I wrote the doctor last night
tell me we didn't give up that day
I dont know what I was looking for
or if he would even say

I know this rhyme is going nowhere
just sputtering my crazy thought
but I can't come to terms with your loss
after how hard you had fought

Four weeks ago we lost your smile
only three weeks ago we played with you
now we visit a cold resting place
if we want to talk to you

Everyone has been great TyTy
sensitive and supportive too
but they just like us know
nothing can help the loss of you

I try to think of the reasons
at least you are at peace and no pain
but the thought of your smile living on
leaves that theory with a stain

Maybe life wouldn't of been joyful for you
but the last two years never stopped your smile
another theory laid to rest
I'll let my heart weep a longer while

We took down your crib
daddy found me there one day
I guess hours had passed
he couldn't get me away

I held your outfit
as he tried to pry me away
he told me it only hurt
so it was time to put it away

Sometimes if I dont think about it
I trick myself into thinking you are there alone
I caught myself calling the Bone Marow ward to check on you
The first ring I realized and cried as I hung up the phone

You weren't there
no nurse was assigned to you
I look at your picture and clinch in pain
I never again will see life in you

We hurt so badly TyTy
we know people would help if they could
we would trade our life to give you yours
I hope your heart knew we would

TyTy nurses have been writing
talking about your memory
they haven't forgot you TyTy
you left a mark so big my precious baby

It may be selfish in a way
but it makes mommy and daddy feel good too
knowing our biggest fear hasn't happened
people are not forgetting you

Thirty long days ago
I watched you leave TyTy
time hasn't even begun to heal
it hurts worse as the days go by

I want you so bad TyTy
it aches in every part of my skin
my heart is literally breaking
especially the part you're lodged in

I know this poem is scattered
but it is how I feel right now
I want to find peace for you
but I just dont know how

I worry we didn't do all we could
did we cheat you somehow
I know no matter the answer
it doesn't change things now

My precious TyTy
wherever life's stop took you to
we ache in the hopes you know
that our hearts love and miss you