My Buddy

My Buddy

Your brothers are off to school
work has taken your daddy away
I stand in the living room alone
you always filled the rest of my day

There's no meds to measure
no vitals to sneak while you sleep
No IV meds to attach to your line
just tears of a mommy's weep

I walk through the living room
no blood pressure machine to trip on
all signs and realizations
that our little Ty Ty is gone

The sound of oxygen and air purifiers
don't fill this house anymore
There is a creepy sad silence
that I never quite wished for

The CVN machine hasn't beeped
though I keep myself on guard in case it does
my mind keeps playing these little tricks
taking me back to the way it was

I stroll by your crib
your antibiotic tray is still there
my hands ache to reach down
and find you still laying there

I sit at the kitchen table
where you would throw toys on the floor
look at me with a grin, see if I was gonna scold you
and then you would throw down one more

I stumble to do the dishes
you would always sit next to me
throw your toys in the water
just to get a smile out of me

One dish down
I can't do anymore
my weak knees
drop me to the floor

You are supposed to be awake by now
I'm supposed to be busy changing you
I'm not supposed to be standing here
not having anything to do

Wherever I went in this house
you were always with me
I never ached for a companion
or finished the day lonely

We made each other laugh
kept each other warm all day
you were my little buddy
the one bright spot of my day

Now I sit on wood floor
crying hysterically
but it don't matter how long I sit and cry
you're not here to need me

This house is empty
even when people are here
you were the center of our life
and now you fall in our tear

My first day lonely
there's no TyTy to hold onto
life just isn't worth living
if I have to live it without you