missing you so much tyty

Guess I'm having a bad day TyTy. I've found myself pretending to be ok so I can prove to people I don't need counseling or anti depressants and I stopped myself. Wait... I shouldn't have to pretend.
In all of this I crashed and crashed hard.
Maybe its the months coming up, maybe its the fact I've walked around in denial the last two weeks. I want so bad to live with this and be whatever people want me to be after your loss but I only hurt myself the last two weeks. The facts are I lost you and I lost everything with you that parents get to share with their kids. I lived and breathed taking care of you and loving you for two years. You don't just get up and walk away from that and i need to realize its what i need to do no matter what anyone else thinks. i need to take this time to try and find my way through grief.
It's weird to emotionally disappear from living and then when you step back in you realize there is no place for you. Which makes the loss compound. I crashed so hard last night and then all I could do is cry thinking about everything. Realizing a year earlier we were fighting for every breath you took. Hoping you would somehow get over the huge mountain that had been put in front of us. I went over your last days, what it felt like to feel you, how am I gonna make these holidays good for your brothers and still keep myself standing so I don't ruin their christmas when all my heart can do is ache for you? do i go to family get togethers? risk people getting mad or upset (not saying they would but you always wonder) because you are upset and can't enjoy it like they do and you bring them down or do you skip so they can enjoy their holiday and then they think you are pushing people away? you aren't gonna be here to open presents i will never get to see you open your "wow" present. how do i sit in a room full of family and know you aren't there and hold back the tears? i'm not strong enough to hold back my tears
thats why i'm so angry with myself.
i miss you and it hurts and i want you back and these holidays are gonna be the hardest holidays i've ever lived through. i can't pretend that isn't true. there are so many emotions to go through and i guess i'm going thru an anger step right now. i'm angry this happens to kids. i'm angry someone can't heal this fix this, i'm angry you wont have christmas and i'm angry at every single minute i let go by that i wasn't holding you, telling you i love you, hoping that everything i done in my short time of being your mother was good enough for you. did i give you enough and i'm angry i'm mad i don't get to make everything up to you. the needles, the test, the strangers in your face every day, i said it would be worth it and I'M MAD and ANGRY because i can't give you the life that would make it worth your fight. you looked up at me and thought i was your mom and i could make it better and i looked down at you and said "i'm sorry it will be worth it baby" i'm sorry tyty i'm angry i lied to you. i'm angry it... it wasn't worth it for you FOR YOU. i'm sorry tyty