Happy Halloween TyTy

First Halloween. October 2003. Two weeks old


Some of my favorite pictures of you. Only in this family would a Furby, Hulk, and A green M&M mix well together
Looking up at Dylan. You looked up to him and in almost every picture you are in with him you are looking up at him as in some of the pictures below. You and Dylan had such a special bond. I think that is why Dylan is having such a hard time now.

Halloween 2004 1 Year Old. You made the perfect Lion. Precious hearts like yours should always be allowed to beat.
You were the cutest little lion, but you were full of courage. Courage I admired and could only dream of having. That is why we are so proud of you.
Tears and a smile at the same time. You are so adorable. I look at this and smile at how cute and precious you are and I cry because it makes me miss you even more.
Looking at Dylan again
And again...
Third Halloween in the hospital. October 2005. Simba and tongue. We miss you TyTy.

You hated this costume. Pee ma and Pee pa brought the boys up so I could take the traditional halloween picture of the three of you since you would be in the hospital. I didn't get to see the boys trick or treat last year. I look forward to seeing Brandon this year but wish you were tagging along too. It's gonna be hard TyTy.

Halloween

Another holiday, another first to try and get past without you. I felt the need to come and write because I think mommy is losing her mind. I went into the basement to do laundry, and I had just gotten your brothers to the bus stop, so I was just getting a load started, and I heard "mom?" I looked up to see if Brandon missed the bus, because the voice was hoarse and muffled, and sounded like him. I said yeah? Brandon? I heard "mom?" again, and I ran upstairs to see if he was ok, and nothing... I went back downstairs to get the load finished, and thinking to myself I had finally lost it. I always use the term 'chasing butterflies' as my sign of craziness, but I guess 'chasing voices' may be better. I called Glenn, and I said I think I heard TyTy, and of course he says there is a logical explanation. Maybe I just had you on my mind. In the basement is where all your stuff from your stone is, and some of your toys. We alternate what we put up at your bed, and we keep it organized so maybe seeing it when I do laundry just had me thinking of you. Glenn suggested calling the school and make sure Brandon made it, and isn't trying to skip, because you sounded so much like Brandon. I keep thinking ok, if I had heard it only once maybe it could be explained, but it was like you were asking for me. Just like a kid would if he wanted something. mom? mom? Maybe I am crazy... I know I am, but maybe now it is certifiable. Maybe I just miss you so much that I wish when I got the boys off to school I would still have a little boy that needed to be paid attention to. Maybe I'm just crazy.

On to Halloween. Dylan still refuses to trick or treat and now he doesn't want to go to school for the parties. Since your birthday he hasn't gotten back up. He has been in counseling, but it doesn't seem to help. He is happy one minute, and I think he is gonna be ok but he is in such a rush to grow up, and it worries me. I asked him again today. I said we will go get you a costume tonight. I will let you be whatever you want, and we can make a trip out of it, You and me. No I don't want to trick or treat and he started to cry, so I let it go. He has his reasons, and I guess what will happen is he will go to his morning classes then come home during the party. I don't want to push him, but I have to know when to make him, but I just don't think it is now. He misses you so much Tyler. He misses having a little brother. Even though I know the pain your loss has brought, and know no one can take it away, I still wish as a mother I could take his away. I can't imagine being that age, and losing such a huge part of life, trying to understand why his little brother was taken away. As an adult I don't understand, how can he?

We're gonna do our tradition, and go to Nammy's for Halloween. I hope I do ok. I always worry about going to family gatherings because it's so easy to miss you, and so easy to cry the whole time knowing we aren't all there, and I'm so scared people are gonna get mad for bringing the night down. It kept me away from Nammy's birthday party too. I think I'm doing ok, and then I will see a kid your age, or see Tara do something, and it will remind me of you, and my heart rips open. I think some of my family don't understand that if we could make this go away we would, but we have to grieve too, or it will always be like this.

When I think of what you would be this year... You seemed to always be a lion, but you loved Giraffe's. So I'm thinking either Thomas the Train or a Giraffe. I think this may of been the year you could of actually trick or treated. I'll eat a tootsie roll for you. Ok? I will bring you a pumpkin tomorrow too. The kids haven't even asked for one or to carve one, maybe if I make it for you, they will want to. Daddy Bob repainted your angel and it is beautiful. He did a good job. He even painted the blanket the colors of your favorite blankie.

I guess your crazy mom needs to get some work done. We miss you so much and our hearts are broken without you.

And TyTy if that was you? I heard you, and I still go to bed and hold you every night, *rubbing your hair and forehead* everything will be ok. Lay peacefully my prince. I love and miss you dearly.