hope

I've been having a few rough days so Joe thought it was time to have a good cry over a journal entry. I had more dreams about you last night but it was just simply holding you. With the holidays coming up my heart seems to have opened back up but only to hurt.
I keep trying so hard to do what I need to do be who I'm supposed to be and the first day I get up something happens or someone says something and it knocks me down the next day. I don't understand how people think you can just shut grief off. Want to party and pretend you aren't dying from pain? I can't do that. Losing you has affected a lot of people it crippled some but it killed me. I think you took me with you when you left TyTy. I just don't think those who haven't been through this can ever know how it can take your whole life away. There is no enjoyment anymore. Sometimes I wish I could show them how much it hurts so they can understand this family and what goes on in our life. Hoping they can understand why we have trouble doing this or that. I've probably never felt more alone than I have the last few weeks. It makes you go back and see what a train wreck life was even before the trauma of losing you.
With you I thought you were the sunlight that would carry us through the rest of our life. You gave us the reason to get up and fight for everything we could get or already had. Now without sun there is no reason to smile.
Dylan has had a rough few days. You have been on his mind. They want another brother or sister. Dylan was crying your name yesterday. I never know how to comfort him because I know nothing I do or say will comfort him but sometimes it helps just to know there is a shoulder or chest to cry into even if they don't say anything so I gave that to him. He laid in my arms and cried. My legs were soaked but he eventually went back to sleep.
Brandon was busy with his friends in and out in and out. So yesterday on top of hurting I felt bad because I couldn't bring myself to pretend for one night. Feel even worse now when people make you feel bad for feeling that way. It all adds up to just thinking if I could hold you everything would be okay. If I could just hang on to your rough fingers and feet and know you were with us I could do all of this. You could have a healthy fulfilled life and our family could move on without feeling like we are dead and just walking around with an empty body. Your birthday was hard and it usually comes with a week of down time but this time I realize the worst is to come.
TyTy it has almost been a year. How did I survive without you for a year? What kind of a mommy am I to go on and survive without you for a year? Why did I? Every morning I wake up I keep thinking someone or something is gonna prove to me this is a nightmare and it just seemed like a year in the dream. You will be in your crib and soaked and needing meds. Every morning I wake up and there is no crib, no tyty, no meds, no clothes, no blanket to wash. just me and the alarm clock that i never have to set.
I have a bad cold and every time i get one of these it makes me realize you are gone. I should be sterilizing and wearing a mask worrying if you will get it. Germs are everywhere and it don't matter. i'm really missing you tyty. your smile, your laugh, your feel, the warmth i felt when i held you, the admiration i got whenever i looked at you and realized how hard you were fighting, i miss seeing hope. you gave that to us. there is no hope anymore. maybe a friend of mine is right. hope is for the weak. i'm weak and i guess that's why i depended on hope so much.
how did i survive ten months without you? it's not surviving just breathing i guess. for the first time joe was wrong. i've cried for over an hour writing this and i still miss you and hurt so bad that i don't think i can move. just one giggle from you tyty would take all this away. just knowing you still had hope for a healthy life.