Happy Halloween TyTy

First Halloween. October 2003. Two weeks old


Some of my favorite pictures of you. Only in this family would a Furby, Hulk, and A green M&M mix well together
Looking up at Dylan. You looked up to him and in almost every picture you are in with him you are looking up at him as in some of the pictures below. You and Dylan had such a special bond. I think that is why Dylan is having such a hard time now.

Halloween 2004 1 Year Old. You made the perfect Lion. Precious hearts like yours should always be allowed to beat.
You were the cutest little lion, but you were full of courage. Courage I admired and could only dream of having. That is why we are so proud of you.
Tears and a smile at the same time. You are so adorable. I look at this and smile at how cute and precious you are and I cry because it makes me miss you even more.
Looking at Dylan again
And again...
Third Halloween in the hospital. October 2005. Simba and tongue. We miss you TyTy.

You hated this costume. Pee ma and Pee pa brought the boys up so I could take the traditional halloween picture of the three of you since you would be in the hospital. I didn't get to see the boys trick or treat last year. I look forward to seeing Brandon this year but wish you were tagging along too. It's gonna be hard TyTy.

Halloween

Another holiday, another first to try and get past without you. I felt the need to come and write because I think mommy is losing her mind. I went into the basement to do laundry, and I had just gotten your brothers to the bus stop, so I was just getting a load started, and I heard "mom?" I looked up to see if Brandon missed the bus, because the voice was hoarse and muffled, and sounded like him. I said yeah? Brandon? I heard "mom?" again, and I ran upstairs to see if he was ok, and nothing... I went back downstairs to get the load finished, and thinking to myself I had finally lost it. I always use the term 'chasing butterflies' as my sign of craziness, but I guess 'chasing voices' may be better. I called Glenn, and I said I think I heard TyTy, and of course he says there is a logical explanation. Maybe I just had you on my mind. In the basement is where all your stuff from your stone is, and some of your toys. We alternate what we put up at your bed, and we keep it organized so maybe seeing it when I do laundry just had me thinking of you. Glenn suggested calling the school and make sure Brandon made it, and isn't trying to skip, because you sounded so much like Brandon. I keep thinking ok, if I had heard it only once maybe it could be explained, but it was like you were asking for me. Just like a kid would if he wanted something. mom? mom? Maybe I am crazy... I know I am, but maybe now it is certifiable. Maybe I just miss you so much that I wish when I got the boys off to school I would still have a little boy that needed to be paid attention to. Maybe I'm just crazy.

On to Halloween. Dylan still refuses to trick or treat and now he doesn't want to go to school for the parties. Since your birthday he hasn't gotten back up. He has been in counseling, but it doesn't seem to help. He is happy one minute, and I think he is gonna be ok but he is in such a rush to grow up, and it worries me. I asked him again today. I said we will go get you a costume tonight. I will let you be whatever you want, and we can make a trip out of it, You and me. No I don't want to trick or treat and he started to cry, so I let it go. He has his reasons, and I guess what will happen is he will go to his morning classes then come home during the party. I don't want to push him, but I have to know when to make him, but I just don't think it is now. He misses you so much Tyler. He misses having a little brother. Even though I know the pain your loss has brought, and know no one can take it away, I still wish as a mother I could take his away. I can't imagine being that age, and losing such a huge part of life, trying to understand why his little brother was taken away. As an adult I don't understand, how can he?

We're gonna do our tradition, and go to Nammy's for Halloween. I hope I do ok. I always worry about going to family gatherings because it's so easy to miss you, and so easy to cry the whole time knowing we aren't all there, and I'm so scared people are gonna get mad for bringing the night down. It kept me away from Nammy's birthday party too. I think I'm doing ok, and then I will see a kid your age, or see Tara do something, and it will remind me of you, and my heart rips open. I think some of my family don't understand that if we could make this go away we would, but we have to grieve too, or it will always be like this.

When I think of what you would be this year... You seemed to always be a lion, but you loved Giraffe's. So I'm thinking either Thomas the Train or a Giraffe. I think this may of been the year you could of actually trick or treated. I'll eat a tootsie roll for you. Ok? I will bring you a pumpkin tomorrow too. The kids haven't even asked for one or to carve one, maybe if I make it for you, they will want to. Daddy Bob repainted your angel and it is beautiful. He did a good job. He even painted the blanket the colors of your favorite blankie.

I guess your crazy mom needs to get some work done. We miss you so much and our hearts are broken without you.

And TyTy if that was you? I heard you, and I still go to bed and hold you every night, *rubbing your hair and forehead* everything will be ok. Lay peacefully my prince. I love and miss you dearly.

hope

I've been having a few rough days so Joe thought it was time to have a good cry over a journal entry. I had more dreams about you last night but it was just simply holding you. With the holidays coming up my heart seems to have opened back up but only to hurt.
I keep trying so hard to do what I need to do be who I'm supposed to be and the first day I get up something happens or someone says something and it knocks me down the next day. I don't understand how people think you can just shut grief off. Want to party and pretend you aren't dying from pain? I can't do that. Losing you has affected a lot of people it crippled some but it killed me. I think you took me with you when you left TyTy. I just don't think those who haven't been through this can ever know how it can take your whole life away. There is no enjoyment anymore. Sometimes I wish I could show them how much it hurts so they can understand this family and what goes on in our life. Hoping they can understand why we have trouble doing this or that. I've probably never felt more alone than I have the last few weeks. It makes you go back and see what a train wreck life was even before the trauma of losing you.
With you I thought you were the sunlight that would carry us through the rest of our life. You gave us the reason to get up and fight for everything we could get or already had. Now without sun there is no reason to smile.
Dylan has had a rough few days. You have been on his mind. They want another brother or sister. Dylan was crying your name yesterday. I never know how to comfort him because I know nothing I do or say will comfort him but sometimes it helps just to know there is a shoulder or chest to cry into even if they don't say anything so I gave that to him. He laid in my arms and cried. My legs were soaked but he eventually went back to sleep.
Brandon was busy with his friends in and out in and out. So yesterday on top of hurting I felt bad because I couldn't bring myself to pretend for one night. Feel even worse now when people make you feel bad for feeling that way. It all adds up to just thinking if I could hold you everything would be okay. If I could just hang on to your rough fingers and feet and know you were with us I could do all of this. You could have a healthy fulfilled life and our family could move on without feeling like we are dead and just walking around with an empty body. Your birthday was hard and it usually comes with a week of down time but this time I realize the worst is to come.
TyTy it has almost been a year. How did I survive without you for a year? What kind of a mommy am I to go on and survive without you for a year? Why did I? Every morning I wake up I keep thinking someone or something is gonna prove to me this is a nightmare and it just seemed like a year in the dream. You will be in your crib and soaked and needing meds. Every morning I wake up and there is no crib, no tyty, no meds, no clothes, no blanket to wash. just me and the alarm clock that i never have to set.
I have a bad cold and every time i get one of these it makes me realize you are gone. I should be sterilizing and wearing a mask worrying if you will get it. Germs are everywhere and it don't matter. i'm really missing you tyty. your smile, your laugh, your feel, the warmth i felt when i held you, the admiration i got whenever i looked at you and realized how hard you were fighting, i miss seeing hope. you gave that to us. there is no hope anymore. maybe a friend of mine is right. hope is for the weak. i'm weak and i guess that's why i depended on hope so much.
how did i survive ten months without you? it's not surviving just breathing i guess. for the first time joe was wrong. i've cried for over an hour writing this and i still miss you and hurt so bad that i don't think i can move. just one giggle from you tyty would take all this away. just knowing you still had hope for a healthy life.

Your birthday in the sky TyTy

Happy Birthday TyTy! We miss you so much and wish you were here to feel our hugs and to tell you how much we love you and are proud of you. We LOVE YOU sweetheart. To you and your birthday in the sky
This is beautiful to me. I cried when I got to the house and daddy showed me he had gotten this for you. You always had your finger in your mouth and to me this looks so much like you TyTy. This is absolutely beautiful... Just like you.
Like I said you always had your finger in your mouth just like the statue. Usually when you were nervous or... I just realized I'm talking to you like you can hear...

All your presents. You got Flags, balloons,(Nammy got you Thomas the train) stuffed animals, hot wheel cars, (you were three you got to play with them this year) a water star, a golden angel, a bench with an angel on it, a plaque saying a poem for you, and our favorite a little boy curled up with his fingers in his mouth. Just like you used to do. You always had your finger in your mouth.
My heart wishes this was you sitting in your high chair with cake all over your face... This is beautiful to me.

Daddy Bob getting all the balloons handed out after everyone laid their presents down.
You loved balloons TyTy so we made sure you got to play with balloons on your birthday. Yellow for your favorite color. We all let one sail to you. We've done this before and it is always interesting to see where they go. Which ones float all the way to you and which ones disappear and which ones hang around. I hope you are having fun with them TyTy. Your birthday in the sky
The gang cooking hot dogs again.

Daddy, Dylan, Brandon, and Erin cooking marshmellows around the fire. Dylan was so sad the whole night.

First of all, I want to thank a few people who helped us get through this very rough day. We want to thank everyone who thought of TyTy on his birthday, and send a huge hug, and tearful thank you to: Ruth Hesseltine, Nicole Alcorn, Richelle Stineman, Steve Rumelhart, Jim and Gladys Free, everyone who came to the house the night of his birthday, those who left gifts on his stone, to all my friends who honored him on Tuesday afternoon. We thank you for thinking of our TyTy.

We pondered over what to do for his birthday, but we decided on a weinie roast with family. The day was rainy, dark, and gloomy. I would say you were crying, but I know you knew it was your birthday, and it is the one day that no matter how bad you felt you were happy. I know they weren't your tears falling. During the day I went to my mom's and decorated cookies and made mints. My mom held me up this day. I thank her with love for that. She let me cry, but also kept me busy. Just what I needed. When I finished at mom's we went to the house to a tear jerking moment when Bob pulled out this beautiful little boy statue (up above) that looks so much like Tyler it brought me to tears. With the fire going, we all went to his stone at the beginning of the night, and let off balloons, his favorite yellow balloons. We sat down balloons and gifts for him, and yelled Happy Birthday TyTy as we let them go. After many tears and hugs we headed back to the house where we cooked fruit pies, hot dogs, and marshmellows on the fire, and cookies and mints for a snack. After the family went home your dad, your brothers, and I watched the video of your last birthday. It was quiet with the scattered laughs and cries. Dylan cried himself to sleep that night missing you. I look at the pictures of your stone and through the rain and balloons your face is sticking out, and Tyler I can't help but think that should be you in your high chair surrounded by the same stuff only we can see your smile with our own eyes as your eyes sparkle with your smile. Sometimes I don't know if we are doing enough to keep your memory alive, but then Joe reminded me of something. You were so special, and left such an impression I don't need to remind people not to forget you. The cards, letters, and emails proved that he was right. You left an amazing impression on us, but you left the same impression on all those who came in contact with you. So many people were thinking of you that day Tyler. You were two years old... You were on this earth for two years... but you left the memories in so many hearts that equal more. You were our angel on earth TyTy. My words wont come out right now. It hurts. Happy Birthday in the sky TyTy. We love and miss you dearly.

Happy Birthday Angel TyTy

There are three post for his birthday. Below are pictures from his two birthdays. The first birthday was at home and the second he was in the hospital but got to leave for a few hours. They are out of order and I apologize for that. There is a written post at the bottom of the pictures Look below for more pictures and a poem. Hugging a card from his favorite housekeeper Jenn. He would watch her every time she came in and she sent him this card and he would always act like he was hugging it. It was so adorable.
You fell asleep in the hosptial cart on the way back. You were so precious TyTy I miss you so much. I hope Heaven's birthday party for you means as much as that day did for you and for us. It is a day we will all hold as the most special day of our lives. My heart misses you so much
Look how happy you are TyTy. It's so hard to believe that just two short months later you were taken from us
Getting ready to go to Godfather's. We put you in the hospital cart with all your presents. You were so happy to get out of that hospital. So happy to go in public for the first time outside of hospital trips. I miss you so much

This is one of the pictures we have blown up and put on our living room coffee table. This sums up the day for you. All smiles. Those slippers are from Brandon and you were buried with them on your feet.
Beautiful simply beautiful
The light that comes from your eyes and smile erased the GvH that took over your body.
This picture is so adorable. Nothing made your daddy and I feel as good as seeing this smile on your face. You really were a ray of sunshine.
You were so sick but so happy. This picture makes me tear up because the happiness in this picture is so much what we wanted for you for more than two years. You are so beautiful.
This is my favorite picture of you boys. You were always happy around your brothers. You all three had such a good day that day. I am so thankful for that day for you.
More sprinkles. Handfuls would go into your mouth. You really liked them. lol
Racecar driver TyTy. We buried you with your steering wheel and your Jeff Gordon hat. You loved that stirring wheel.
You were always trying to be silly. lol You always made us laugh. Looking at this picture I can say you still do. I'm cry and laughing all at the same time TyTy. I miss you
With your cake and your stirring wheel. You loved that stirring wheel.
Each birthday we celebrated of you there were family pictures. Here is one of them. You can see the steroids were at a high dose with you cheeks. My little chipmunk.
Our last family picture. Our last but our best. I love this picture. You are so happy in it. I look at this picture and I hope with all my heart we gave you the best birthday we could.
You rbig beautiful eyes and smile. You were so happy that day.
Eating your sprinkles again. Your chubby little hands. I miss them so much.
Look at your food filled face:) You had sprinkles on your ice cream. You ate so much that when you started vomiting that night we thought it was from that. I wish it was because you got real sick that night.
Eating Pizza at Godfather's. You ate so much that day. You liked Taco Pizza. You loved Thomas the train too.



First of all I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive through all of this. Ruth H, Nicole A, Rebecca M, Susan Grosclaude, (I will reply) Carol Kauffman, Jenn Terrock, to all those who think about Tyler whether it be when you walk in the hospital or going through your day. Thank you for thinking of our precious baby. These next few months are gonna be very very hard on us, so we thank you all for your support.
I've got three post lined up for his birthday. I tried to limit the pictures because the post couldn't handle them but I think I got enough up for people to see how special those days were. I've got a poem from one of his favorite nurses and our dear friend who is like family to us, and I couldn't come up with the words that Tyler so richly deserved so I posted a song my mom, his nammy, gave me and it says everything We want to say.
Before I go I have to say something to Nicole, another dear nurse and friend of ours. We had looked forward to taking Tyler home on his birthday. Deep down I always thought Tyler would get through this, but with Drew being a PA- I also knew the reality of the long stay in the hospital meant he wasn't getting better. I guess by his birthday I knew this could very well be his last. I wanted him home, and the Pa and Docs tried really hard, but every major holiday from his birthday on he spiked a fever, and his birthday was no different. We had to have his last birthday in the hospital. I was crushed. I wanted so bad to make his last months mean more than hospital. The doctors said we could take him out on pass. We lived so far away that wasn't doable. I threw a tizzy and was upset. Bob and Drew sat me down, and said look at what is important. Bob called Godfathers and set up a time, and an enclosed area to keep him away from germs. He took control that day. It still wasn't enough. I wanted to give Tyler his home for one day, I wanted his last birthday to be at his own home. Nicole was our nurse that day, and she went above and beyond to make sure that day was good for us. The night nurses had put up signs for Tyler. HUGE signs for him on his window and his door. Nicole came in with her smile to keep Tyler smiling while I acted like a baby myself. Once the doctors said we could go out, She got his meds on schedule to maximize our time out, and offered us the school room for cake when we came back. Tyler had never been outside of his home, or the hospital, but that day he got to go to Godfathers. (He knew it was his day too). She went out of her way to make sure he had a good birthday and made it possible we could. I was so upset, and she let me rant, and cry, and then as we were leaving Nicole came up to me, and gave me this huge hug, and said something that changed how I looked at that day, and now I'm so thankful to her for that. She said, Try to Enjoy yourself, Enjoy the day. Enjoy him Okay? I half smiled wishing I could take him home, but as I walked out of there, and Tyler got this huge smile on his face just knowing that he was king for the day, and he got to leave I realized he doesn't care about home. He cares about being with us, and getting a break from the hospital, and Nicole's words stayed with me that whole day. I watched Tyler smile the whole time we were out. Laugh and giggle at his brothers, eat like a little pig, and even though we were in a tiny little room in a strange pizza place hours away from home, I seen he was happy, he had the the time of his life literally. I thank Nicole for letting me see what is important, so I could give him what he needed so bad, and so I could enjoy watching my little baby do what some of us lose sight of. Enjoying family and the little things in life. He felt so icky that day but enjoyed every second of it. I admired my son that day for doing what I couldn't. I thank Nicole for letting me see that. To this day, we all look back on his birthday as the last day we got to see our Tyler. The night of his birthday he became really ill and never really recovered. In and out of surgeries, spiking very high temps, and altho he kept his smile and his happiness, he never was the same. We look back on that day as the most special day of our lives. I hope you can see in the pictures how happy we all were to be together again. How happy he was, and how happy that made us. That day will always mean the world to us and I thank Nicole for being with us on that special day, and helping us make it special because it truly is the last day we held with our TyTy with no fear of losing him. Everything left that day, and she made it possible. Nicole was also there the day TyTy said goodbye. Again, she was amazing to TyTy and our family. Another amazing woman I admire.
I'm sorry this is out of order, as well as the pictures, but my thoughts are scattered, and my heart can't stop hurting long enough to concentrate on anything. This song is for TyTy because my words just can't get out what I want to say to him. I love you Angel TyTy and We miss you so much...

GOODBYE

I wanted you for life,
you and me in the wind.
I never thought there'd come a time,
that our story would end.

It's hard to understand,
but I guess I'll have to try.
It's not easy,
to say goodbye.

For all the joy we shared,
all that time we had to spend.
Now if I had one wish,
I'd want forever back again.

To look into your eyes,
and hold you when you cry.
It's not easy,
to say goodbye.

I can remember all those great times we had.
There were so many memories, some good, some bad.
Yes, and through it all, those memories will last forever.

There's peace in where you are,
maybe all I need to know.
And if I listen to my heart,
I'll hear your laughter once more.

And so I've got to say,
I'm just glad you came my way.
It's not easy,to say goodbye.

Goodbye.

Happy Birthday Angel TyTy

This picture... No matter how I held you- you always would grab for my fingers and you can see that in this picture too. I miss this. Most people would think it is silly but i miss feeling your little fingers holding my finger. i can still feel the puffiness from the steroids on your hands. i miss you tyler.
Your little Jeff Gordon hat. You were so happy that day. Your first time in a public place and you had been feeling like crap but you were so happy that day. The last day in my head that I remember you being yourself. This day is what we all seem to hold onto.
I never thought this picture would be your obit picture. Though it should hurt to see it this picture shows me what you were made of. This was my TyTy. Happy through all the pain. More strength than everyone around him combined. We are so proud of you.
Happy birthday TyTy. We are missing you and hurting as we don't get to see you on your special day. We will celebrate your life although it was short but you were
Your big present. A jeep that you loved to ride in. The boys would push you around the house. You loved it. Brandon would have your head pushed back from the force and you would be LAUGHING so loud. I really miss you.
You are by far the most adorable little boy. Your eyes still catch me every time I see them. You were truly an angel on earth TyTy.
Brothers always there to help you celebrate.
I love this picture of you and Grandpa. It is my favorite. You both look so happy in it. Your hat makes the picture. lol Digging into your cake lol
Cake time. It was your favorite part. lol I think your smile proves it.
All your balloons. You loved your balloons.
Opening your many gifts. You were so spoiled and you deserved it all.
Look at you! How cute are you with your birthday hat!
The blanket nammy gave you for your birthday. You loved it. We still have it with your things.
The smile that kept us all going through all the bumps in your road.
You always seemed to know when it was your birthday. No matter how bad you felt you were happy that day. You knew it was your day. You are absolutely adorable TyTy.

You really dug into the cake. lol It was your favorite part.