Not a very happy or cheerful or correct way to handle bad feelings but this is the honest steps of losing a child. It's not always cheerful memorials. Sometimes you're just really sad and pissed. You don't wish this one anyone or even expect it to be any way that it is, but sometimes you just wish you could feel what they do again like you used to. It's usually momentarily but in any case you feel it. A very non sugar coated feel of some holidays after losing a child.

i dont know if i can put my mask on today

just knock me out until it all goes away

everyone saying its the perfect day

sunny and bright and such a nice day to be out to play

everyone wishing each other the happiest holiday

bright cheery

oh damn just make it go away

tired of everyone and their damn happy holidays

i know i know i used to be like them too

happy filled with that crap they call cheer

filling your baskets wrapping your presents

just thankful to be here

so as to not take it away i do what i do best

put away the frown face and put on the mask

got me by for several unhappy years

filled with nothing but anger pain and tears

but today i dont think i can lift the mask

let alone put it on and keep it on

all to just make them feel comfortable with my pain

oh for christ sake just wake me when this damn holiday is gone

i dont want to take it away from them though it seems to be so
just so damn sick of the pain anger and sorrow
i know i'm not special, why not me, no one promised you happy
then why does it seem like it always happens to me

so yes it happened to me
yes i hate the holiday
i hate even more how happy everyone seems to be
most of all im just so damn sick of being me

maybe im the grinch with a heart too small
the old wicked witch who never comes out at all
maybe these thoughts are gonna send my angry ass to hell
or maybe this mommy just misses her little angel
and every holiday or step outside or picture on the wall
doesn't make me see the sunlight and cheer crap at all
just shows me what i lost what i miss and whose recent picture isn't on my wall
i just dont think i can wear my mask this holiday
because i used up it's strength and it doesn't take the pain away
oh just get me through this holiday

A little help...

One, long, hot summer...

It's been a very long and sad summer. One thing after another, but that's just life stuff, and bound to happen. What really crippled your dad and myself this summer was missing you. For some reason, to which we cannot figure out, the pain has felt like the first year after we lost you all over again, and we've dealt with it much in the same way we did the first year... taking it out on each other, shutting down, insomnia, on edge, depression, pushing each other away, diving into our own interest outside of each other, your dad with work, and me watching movie after movie trying to escape reality in any form I can.
I watched a movie that started this for me, someone had lost a child to Wilms, a form of cancer, a little girl, and the guy was telling this other little girl how when you go to heaven you stay the same age and never grow older, and it stopped me, and this may sound stupid to anyone who hasn't lost a child, but so many times I found comfort in the dreams I had of you, I tricked myself into thinking you were trying to reach me, talk to me, tell me to keep going, and that it's ok, but so many of those dreams were you of all ages, looking different, older, grown, teenager, and although some were of you as the way you looked when you passed on, it broke my heart. I once again had been a fool, and let my heart and the longing for you trick me into thinking you were still floating somewhere trying to say hi to mommy, and it couldn't be, because you, only a few times, came to me as you had when you had to leave us. They weren't you coming to me, I just must of thought about you before bed, and there you were in my brain, not my dream, not a spirit, no after life... It shattered me, made me stop believing, stop hoping. The very thing that got us through your two years, and then the five almost six, that have followed since you passed on.
Last night I had a dream. We were sitting in a group. Amazingly, my cousin Tom was there, not sure why, but he touched my arm and said you can do this, you're strong, much like he touched my arm at his father's, my beloved Uncle's, visitation, and I looked to my left and there you were. You weren't the twelve pound baby we said goodbye to, but you were a toddler, the size you would of been at two, had you been allowed the health, so many of us take for granted. You went up to my knees, and you turned and with a huge smile said Hi mommy, look my teeth are fixed. I got my teeth fixed. I guess I should explain this, in the last week before your death, Dr. Goldman, like us, knew it was close, and we just pulled out all the stops, trying to nail what was making you go downhill, he looked in your mouth and mentioned some mouth sores, and then said his teeth aren't growing in right, let's get a dentist up here, at the time, it was small, but bless Dr. Goldman's heart, I think he was trying to let us know he wasn't giving up, and he would do all he could until the very end, I had told him at Christmas, I begged him, please don't give up on him, he can be in that 10%, and he didn't, a week before your death we set up an appt. for the dentist to come up, to look at your teeth, but it never happened, because on my birthday, early morning, we got called into your room about two or so, and then a dentist was the least of our worries. As I was saying, you looked at me and said, mommy my teeth are fixed and you were so happy, and I remember thinking in my dream, oh sweet angel, out of all the pain and torture in your body, why are you so happy about your teeth? lol *tear* Out of everything so wrong in your little body, your teeth? lol *tear* You smiled at me and you stepped to me and gave me the biggest hug and said thank you mommy, like I had just given the big WOW Christmas present. That hug felt so real TyTy, I could feel it, I felt you hugging me after so long without you, I felt your hug, I could feel it in my dream, and I remember my arms around you like a toddler, not a little baby. I held your Build A bear monkey the other day and thought my gosh, this is bigger than he was when he passed on, but in this dream there was a body to hold and I felt you squeezing me and tight. Then that big smile. Then Tom looks at me and says see you did good. I have no idea what any of this meant, and I haven't thought about it, because whether it was a dream I had of you because I was thinking of you before I went to bed, or you were there, I felt your hug, and it just made it worth it. Most times after having a dream about you, about the bad times or the good times, you wake up thinking it was just a dream and I go to your room and it's not there, but I woke up at five after only a two hour cat nap (insomnia not fun) and I smiled and I looked at your dad and said I had a dream about Tyler. That hug felt so nice, it has carried me through today, and I've gotten up and done things I haven't done all summer. I know it's just a start, maybe a false one, but that hug felt so damn good, just for today... I'm letting myself have it.
I miss you dearly, I hope you're up there safe and sound with those pearly whites. lol *tear* Show my Uncles around, ok Tyty? I love you and miss you so much it hurts, so that hug helped, and I hope it helped you too my angel.
Love your mommy,
Always.

Five years without you

Your Walk To Heaven

It was quiet and still
tears dropped onto you
There was no time to wonder
how we would live without you

With your fingers around mine
Caressing your face in hopes of soothing
I prayed for a miracle
my hope was all that was moving

Your eyes stay closed and still
there was no pain that we could see or say
you already looked like an angel
even before you slipped away

Twinkle, twinkle little star
came from our mouths and through our tear
the moment of having to let you go
was growing more and more near

Small little breaths and then none
you fingers slowly let loose their hold
My baby's heart slowly gave way
and his little warm body went cold

We told you we loved you
and I still held you so damn tight
but I knew I was gonna have to leave
and my baby wouldn't go home with me that night

We sang to you some more
told you how proud we were of your fight
Two years we watched you battle
no bigger man had such might

Holding you for hours after
it was too damn hard to let go of you
but I knew the time was coming
and it would be the last time I would hold you

I wouldn't let you go
I screamed for them to let me keep you
I knew deep down I couldn't
it's all I knew to do.

I gathered myself to say goodbye
leave you in that hospital room alone
the pain was overwhelming
more pain than I've ever known

I walked out with my arms empty
my mind on permanent roam
I had to walk you to heaven
but turn around and come back home

Merry Christmas Ty Ty, Love and Miss You

Christmas with Me, Not Without

I can see you struggling right now mommy,
as you try to write a poem for me.
You tried to not let the tears come down,
but they started to fall too easy.

Mommy and Daddy the house looks empty this year,
not as filled as Christmas past.
I know it's been five Christmas's without me,
but this fresh loss feeling won't last.

Mommy and Daddy it's just a number,
I'm still with you like in years before.
My spirit is not gonna fade,
just because the years are more.

I've seen you trying hard to bring the spirit,
made cookies to get in the Christmas cheer.
I seen you stop and look out the window and drift away,
I could tell it's because I'm up here.

I've seen you play movies in the background,
as you went about your daily chore.
Nothing seems to help you forget mommy,
that I'm just not there to celebrate with you anymore.

I know you can't rub my feet,
or look in my eye when you sing twinkle, twinkle, little star,
but mommy and daddy I'm only a heartbeat away,
no matter where you are.

I seen you stand in the snow,
let it fall on your face.
I wanted to reach out and touch you,
as you stood smiling in place.

I know you like the Grinch,
but that's not who you were meant to be,
so this Christmas it's time to celebrate...
with me.

Put in the Grinch, eat cookies,
and don't you count calories.
Imagine me looking up at you,
as I slowly fall asleep to the vibration of your nervous knees.

I see you crying now mommy,
it's okay to let them fall, but spirit is here to find.
You can still feel it deep inside,
and it doesn't mean you have to leave me behind.

Make batches upon batches of cookies,
let Brandon eat the raw cookie dough.
Turn all the Christmas lights on,
turn off the lights, and just enjoy the glow.

Let Dylan's dodge ball games resume,
no matter how many times they knock down the tree.
Just picture a little boy running in and tackling them both,
that would be me...I'm ornery... just like you mommy.

Put on the Christmas music, just like you did before,
picture me sitting on the table, just like our last Christmas night.
See my smile as I knock together the wooden spoons,
this time without the blanket, well wait, not ready to give it up without a fight. *Giggle*

You need to wrap the presents mommy,
even though there's none to wrap for me.
Picture me sitting on the bed tearing up the paper,
as you smile at me for being so ornery.

Watch It's A Wonderful Life with Daddy,
a new tradition you've tried to keep.
And when you're tired because it's so long,
I'll lay in between you, as you two sleep.

Go out and make a snowman with Brandon,
he's lonely without a pestering little brother, that's me.
I know it's cold but take some breaks,
he needs you too mommy.

I know you're crying right now because you miss me,
I miss you guys so much too,
but I'm right here holding you,
I wish you could feel my arms around you.

Don't give up on Christmas yet mommy and daddy,
there's still a lot to hold onto each day.
That's the good thing about this place mommy,
no matter the time, my spirit will never go away.

It's Christmas time mommy and daddy,
though you can't see me with your eye,
but that doesn't mean I'm not here, seeing you cry,
because mommy and daddy my spirit is always inside.

Celebrate this Christmas with me, not without.
Bake cookies, watch movies, sing wacky Christmas song.
Be excited about everything you got my brothers,
and know me, your little angel, will be with you all along.

Mommy before I'm done, tell my brothers I love them,
and if I was there I would play with Brandon all day long.
Tell Dylan, well I know I would get on his nerves...
but I'm watching him drive, and to stay strong.

And Mommy tell Daddy he's okay,
I sit on pee paw's lap all day.
We watch a lot of movies together,
and we snore the day away.

Tell daddy his daddy is proud of him,
and he's with him every day too.
I'm teaching him the ropes, so not to worry,
tell him we both love him and we miss him too.

There is a lot of family up here,
I know this may be sad to say, but it is true.
They are gonna gather around me and Pee Paw,
just like your family on earth will do for you too.

Merry Christmas Mommy and Daddy,
my spirit is inside of you.
Christmas isn't lost, and neither am I,
my angel lights every star for you.

A TyTy Day

This poem wasn't directed at you. I wrote it more for your brothers. As you know we lost Grandpa Paul. It's been very hard for the boys to revisit all the grief steps again. They don't understand why these things happen and feeling the hurt again.

Dylan prayed over grandpa for the first time since we lost you. When I had to tell him Grandpa wasn't gonna wake up he asked me " So I prayed for nothing?" How do you answer that? I could lie and say losing someone is easy, and everyone reacts the best way but it's not true and people get mad and hurt and lash out at those they love when they have lost someone they love. I know we will go through that at some point. Right now they are looking at me and asking questions about you and how we knew to let you go, they are asking about God, they are telling me it hurts too bad to function each day, and how tired they are of how much pain life can offer. And this is when I feel the same way but can't let them give up. I have to make them see the good too.

All of this coming at the time you would be turning seven. I should be planning your party but I'm just trying to get through each day as if nothing is coming up.

This poem is written for your brothers. Telling them everything they feel is okay and normal and I feel it too but we have to keep going.

I'm not sure what I believe in as far as god, but I do believe in angels and spirits, and right now I'm hoping you're showing Grandpa around and he's holding you with that big smile of his on his face. Parts America hat on, his flannel shirt from being too cold, and you with your big beautiful eyes, and your sneaky laugh, and your cute little bibs and Jeff Gordon hat is loving being on his lap again.

I miss you TyTy, I miss Grandpa Paul. You take care of each other and watch down as we try to heal from another loss.

My Boys

Life Can Be Sad

I don't want to try
I am tired too
I am overwhelmed and worn
just like you
I want to give up too
the thoughts are always there
you're not the only one who
feels like no one cares
I am tired too
Just like you
The days seem endless
too hard to get through
But there is light
that gives me the hope
I'll wake up from night
and a day is waiting for you
I am tired too
scared out of my mind
but I don't want to choose
to walk around blind
I am worn down too
question faith
feel all the bad
even some hate
I am clueless too
scared to every wit
but I just don't have it in me
to just up and quit
I am tired too
But I keep getting up
Keep hanging on
because of you....

TyTy:(

I failed you...

I love you so much and my heart is broken and in tears today. Just miss you so much baby boy.

Mamma is sorry...

Miss you TyTy

A Star In My Pocket

Hope draining from my soul
a hole in my heart
This day four years ago
my life fell apart

Singing from my lip
fear eating away at my core
Your lips turned blue
you weren't breathing anymore

Numbness in my skin
tears in my eyes
I laid you down
and said my goodbyes

Misery falling out my pores
denial in my every day
I slowly packed your things
and sadly put them away

Sadness in my soul
smiles on my face
Pictures on the shelves
provide your only trace

A star in my pocket
a hole in my heart
An angel in my ear
only heaven and earth apart

It was only a dream

Last night I looked over at my night stand ... it was you. You were a little taller than the night stand and you were playing with my Strawberry lotion and my candles. I looked again and you said Hi Mommy. You had blond hair and it was floppy just like my brother's eight is enough hair when he was younger. You looked like a young dennis the menace lol you were so cute. You were the age you should be right now. I was half asleep I looked twice you were there I looked again and you were gone. I must of drifted the rest the way off to sleep and then I had a dream about you. You were a baby and me and Dylan, and Brandon rode a bike of all things to Iowa City to see you. We were gonna get to take you home. Ruth was waiting in the lobby to take us up so we could take you home. We talked with Ruth in the main lobby for awhile and then we headed up and then I seen you and you were six you said Hi mommy and I looked over at my night stand and you were there again. I must of woke up and it was like a movie I was convinced I just had a nightmare you had died and when I woke up I would come downstairs and you would be in your room. I ran downstairs and opened what used to be your room and Brandon's red and blue walls hit me right in the face. I just down and cried. You were really gone. :((

TyTy it hurts so bad this year. So bad. I miss you and your rough feet. Your laugh your smile. Looking at your huge eyes look at all of us as we talked as if you could understand every single thing we said by your reactions. This year is tough TyTy. It's been four years and although I function better when I feel like this it still hurts so bad I don't feel like I can get the will to go through the next few days. I don't know how without crying every minute of the next two days.

I want you to be with me tomorrow.:(( I don't want the memory of you on my last birthday to be deciding to put you on the vent just to see if there was any last thing we could do before we let you go.

I know you're with me in my heart but I guess I'm selfish because I want you in my eye too.

Tyler I miss you so much. I love you so much.

You must be with me really strong right now. I would hold onto you as best as I can but I just wish you were here. The hole is huge right now.

No momma should ever feel this and it makes me sad so many of us do...

I love you TyTy. I miss you:((

I thought you were here... I could see you so clear.

Someone Is Missing At Christmas

Someone Is Missing At Christmas


Someone is missing at Christmas
Someone I loved all my life
Someone I played with and laughed all night long
Someone I think of when I hear that song

Someone is missing at Christmas

Someone has left me alone

Someone so close even though we’re apart

Someone who’d finished the sentence I’d start

Someone whose love is my favorite gift

Someone whose presence is my Christmas wish

Someone who always was here

Someone is missing this year

Candlelit snapshots of Christmases gone by

You in your favorite chair

Memories like snowflakes melt in my eyes

I look and you’re not sitting there

Someone whose love is my favorite gift

Someone whose presence is my Christmas wish

Someone is missing at Christmas

Wait… someone is touching my heart…

Someone has heard me and answered my call

Someone I love is not missing at all

Someone is with me at Christmas Someone’s right here in my heart

Someone I love is with me this Christmas

And will be each Christmas to come!

The picture below is framed on my counter. Every time I made cookies you were there, every time I grabbed my puppy chow, (you loved so much) you were there, every time I fixed an ornament at the counter, you were there, every time I turned on my Grinch soundtrack in the radio, you were there. It was the only way I could feel like I did that night you kids sat at the table with the music playing, me cooking, and you guys just being you. Merry Christmas Tyler. As I sat here crying looking through all these pictures, I realized dang TyTy we had a rough couple years, but we really did make the best of it TyTy. We did. These pictures and memories show it.

Merry Christmas Tyler. Mamma has been walking with you so wrapped up in her heart this year. I love you TyTy.

We miss you TyTy

Merry Christmas TyTy

TyTy's Christmas Thoughts

It's Christmas Eve again mommy and daddy
I am watching from high in the sky
Watching you smile at Christmas time
and putting the heavenly sparkle back in my eye

I seen you making cookies
hung the lights and garland too
I seen you watch the Grinch again mommy
While my brothers smiled at the smile on you

I seen you put off housework
so you could make gingerbread men
I even bounced with happiness
when you put the Christmas music in

You listened to the Grinch Soundtrack
we know how special that is, don't we mommy?
It was our last Christmas together at home
and you danced in the kitchen with my brothers and me.

That time is still special mommy
even if it plays in the house again
That moment was already captured
and we all hold within

I seen all of you unwrapping gifts
my brothers were wearing their smiles once more
I wished I was there for a second but remembered
that's not how it works past heaven's door

So I sat my spirit right in the middle of things
just like my body and smile used to do
I hope you felt me in your soul
Because I sure liked sitting next to you

I watched the wrapping paper flying
I seen the candy canes drop to the floor
I seen the Christmas lights fill the rooms
I seen my family smile once more

Mommy and Daddy
I hope now you can see
Christmas from now on
is a joint effort between you and me

You hang the lights, make cookies,
play the Grinch music, and put up the tree
wear your smiles when you decorate mommy and daddy,
and the spirit of Christmas will come from me

So blare your Christmas music loud mommy
because there's no sad tears in heaven for me
Just the ongoing hope that those we left behind
we will once again on Christmas, be happy

TyTy's Hope

Dear Tyler, My most precious angel,

This is what I want to tell you today.
Your dad and I have been talking about adopting. After going through a process we found out between waiting list, and the chance of adopting a newborn would be so small and costly, we found another route. Going through the state if you adopt a child who is disabled, or has health problems it's likely, and less costly to adopt, which brought up the question, could we love a child, have a child, bring a child into our home, that we could possibly lose again, and make us feel the pain of loss again? The pain that's so deep, that when you allow yourself to swim in it, you are taken back to the day you watched your baby take his last breath? Could we? I shut my mind to it. My mind was closed. I said no, and I don't want to discuss it further.
I've been sick the last three weeks, and I was pretty out of it. Your dad took me to get medicine, and I was spacing, and looking out the window, I asked myself, could I really take that risk again? Then it led to the question that will probably sound awful. Would I love another child knowing I will feel that pain again? Would I go through watching a child fight like you did, only to lose, and feel this pain again? And when I let myself think about it, when I thought about how much I love you, and how much happiness you gave us, and how many times I laughed at something you did, and then the pain came, and when I asked myself would I give up the happiness I felt when I held you for the first time after the long and hard pregnancy, would I give up rubbing your rough feet so they would feel better, would I take away the feeling of being a complete family for two years, would I take away the look you would give me when you were going through a bad test and I could see you knew I would take care of you, would I take away hearing you laugh so hard I couldn't help but laugh even though I didn't know what you were laughing at, would I take away the feeling of seeing you tip your head and smile at me, would I take away how proud I was of you when you smiled through all the pain, would I take away the feeling of my heart melting when you grabbed my finger and wouldn't let go, would I take away seeing you with your eyes like mine smiling and then sticking out your tongue, would I take away that last Christmas Eve when you were on the table with your spoons listening to the Grinch soundtrack laughing and smiling, and finally what I miss the most- would I take back seeing you look up at me over your bottle as I fed you, You would stare at me while you were in the crook of my leg, and I would look into your eyes, and you would smile around the bottle, and I always, no matter how bad it was, in the hospital, out of the hospital, tired, beat, worn down, frustrated with being overwhelmed, I was always so happy you were in my arms. I realized then that although the pain is so deep you don't think you can walk another day with it, I wouldn't take any of that away, none of it. And then the biggest realization came, you gave so much happiness, and so much love to us in that two years, that the pain is something I would take on rather than lose the good we had in the time you blessed us with your love. You gave us the greatest gift anyone can, and even though you're gone you left us with something so amazing. You left so much to us. You gave us the power of love that helps carry pain. You allowed us to see that even through the unbearable pain we carry without you, that your love and the spirit you carried here and the spirit you carry now gone, makes this pain something we wouldn't give up if it meant giving up anything about you. You left with us something that it took me three years to figure out.
You know what this is? We always said TyTy's hope. You left us hope TyTy. You left us hope that even through the greatest pain that the love that came with it is unmeasurable. You gave us hope.
So in honor of you TyTy, every day I'm gonna tell myself to hope. Every day will be a new hope in honor of you and the family you left this to.
Today I hope that I can carry my pain quietly so that this Christmas I can show my kids that they are enough to help me enjoy these holidays. That even though you're not here, they are, and they can make me smile, and put up a tree, and make snowflakes, and bake cookies, and light the Christmas tree with your star and picture on it. My hope is to give us our spirit back. I may not be able to do it, but hope is eternal right? You taught me that.
Thank you Tyler. Thank you for my hope. Thank you for your love and spirit, and thank you for letting me be your mommy. I love and miss you so dearly Tyler.

Love,
Your mommy

Happy Birthday TyTy

The words aren't coming this year. Thank you everyone for flowers, cards, emails, and thoughts towards our way. To the people who came to support us and left his stone looking so beautiful and full we thank you. To our families thank you for holding strong for us year after year as we fight through a life of grief. No matter how much time passes this day is so hard. I miss you so much. Five years old. I miss you TyTy. I love you my little punkin.

To my littlest angel.

Every year I wonder what you would of asked for, what you would of liked, what kind of cake you would want, or what favorite meal you would ask me to cook. I held steady through most of yesterday but I found myself trapped in a dream in Iowa City last night. It brought everything back and I cried missing you so much. Trying to remember what it felt like to hold you. The pain is always the same if you let yourself go back. If you can keep the mask on you do ok but when you take it off and think about everything you went through and the pain of the loss, the pain is still the same.

I thought there was something wrong with me yesterday because I couldn't cry or didn't cry. You get used to walking around with the mask on or you can't survive. You're still in there no matter how scared I was that I might of lost your memory somewhere, you're still there. I miss you so much TyTy.

Watch over us as we are heading into hard times as a family. We're trying with all our might to hold on so watch over us as we struggle to keep going.

I love you sweet angel TyTy.

Missing TyTy Day

It's been awhile I know. The pain has forced me into pretending this never happened. It meant not going to your stone, not looking at your pictures, and not looking at this site. I'm ashamed of the weakness that led me here.

I'm missing you so bad right now. I've come to learn time heals all wounds is crap. Time helps you deal with it, makes you move on even if you're dragging your feet, but when you miss a lost loved one, when you long for them, the pain is always the same. Deep and crippling, it doesn't matter how much time has passed, when you are missing someone it hurts and hurts bad. Here are some lyrics that describe how your dad and I feel. This is the most powerful song I've ever heard, and I think of you every time I hear it. This is the most accurate description of pain to me. I miss you TyTy. Love Momma

Tonight I lack the strength to even move
When you walked, now watch me die
For I know this is harder for you
For love has let you down

And the road ahead is lined with broken dreams
So walk, you walk on by
And I failed to give you everything you need
For the fears behind your eyes

When I can't feel you
I'm not alright
Not alright
Not alright
When I can't heal you
I'm not alright
I'm not alright
I'm not alright

When I can't feel you
I'm not...
Alright

Jesus, as you throw me on the rocks
For love I left your side
'Cause I believed in love and beauty's wiles
Where heaven shone forth from her eyes

I'm wanting you to say
I'm wanting you to say
I wanted to believe
I'm wanting you to say
I'm wanting you to say
There's a time that wasn't all for naught [?]

It's such a waste now
It's such a waste now
Come on
Cause I know you're scared
But baby don't you hide
It's such a waste
We stand alone now
We'll make it somehow

Merry Christmas TyTy

Here's what you asked for TyTy. We love and miss you dearly.

A Christmas Angel's Touch

A Christmas Angel's Touch

Hi mommy and daddy
it's Christmas time again
I get a lot more time to talk
and try and make you grin

I seen the lights you put up
but you haven't lit them since that day
I want you to know I can still see them
no matter how far I am away

I can see it's been a hard year
it's tearing apart our family
I know you guys are trying really hard
to spend your days without me

I've watched you both try to light the tree
one by one the lights flickered for awhile
but I seen the tears couldn't be fought any longer
and under the tree they made a pile

Daddy sneaked down the other night
he thought you were all asleep
He plugged the tree in and stared at the star
and until that night I'd never seen daddy weep

And you know mommy when I seen you
the first night you put up that pretty tree
You shut out all the lights like you used to
but it wasn't the same without me

I watched you cry for two hours
An angel never wanted to touch so bad
I wish you could of heard me whisper
mommy please don't be so sad

I see you already taking down the tree
mommy it looks so sad
You can have Christmas without me there mommy
My spirit is there so I wont be mad

There's not that many lights this year
or maybe heaven is further away
I can still tell it's Christmas though
the angels spend more time away

I seen you and daddy Christmas shopping
Shh I seen you got into a fight. Hehe
You should of just told him what it was about
Buying for two instead of three didn't feel right

Dylan and Brandon are getting so tall
I know they've been sad too
Maybe if you show them it's okay to be happy
they'll feel better too?

Don't be upset I said that mommy
It's just Dylan's fish tank is empty
and he hasn't said one word
it's not fair to him just because you miss me

Dylan is getting older mommy
I bet if I was there he would be bothered by me
Just remember mommy he is a teenager now
not your little baby

It's time to let him grow up
and see all you want him to see
make sure you tell him no matter how worried he is
(laugh) I'll never let him forget me

I can be pretty annoying as an angel
I'm sure you can already tell by now
I'll make sure I'm always around for him
I'll figure out a way to show him somehow

Brandon hasn't went to his church
and I've seen you asking him why
I know you're scared to go outside
maybe go with him, can you just try?

Brandon still carries the bell around with him
Did you hear him when he rang it to get wings for me?
Will you buy him a jingle bell mommy?
Put it in his stocking for me?

It's a rule here you see
No hands on earth
I can only use my spirit
touching comes with birth

Brandon really wants to watch the Polar Express
I know it reminds you of me
But it's a really good movie
and you love Tom Hanks mommy *wink*

Mommy you can do it
maybe it will make you believe again
and even if it don't mommy
it'll give Brandon a grin

The big heaven guy told me the first year would be hard
and that I would be sad watching my family
but the second year is scaring me more mommy
because I'm scared you'll never stop being sad over me

Mommy I tried to visit your dream last night
didn't you see or hear me?
This time I wasn't dying
I wanted to talk to you about your Christmas tree

You probably didn't see me
mommy I'm in heaven you have to believe
Mommy that wont change
no matter how much you grieve

I know your sad and lonely
I can see you cry all day
An angel never wanted to touch so bad
so I can make this all go away

People think we angels have a lot of powers
we don't really or maybe it's because I'm new
I've put two years in this heaven
I should be able to help you

I see there is no star on your tree
mommy your tree looks really sad
I know your short but you could get a chair
an angel never wanted to touch so bad

Now we get to daddy
I still have plenty of time
mommy come on do you really think
angels speak in rhyme?

Now back to daddy
he's different than all of you
He's real quiet and doesn't talk
and he spends time not knowing what to do

I look down and see him working all the time
coming home and going right to sleep
nothing wakes him up
not even your nightly weep

Daddy does what he is supposed to
but he hasn't stopped crying since I died
I can see you and my brothers sad on the outside
but I think he is sad and disappearing on the inside

You have to start giving him hugs mommy
it's okay to feel again, and he needs them he's so sad
Hold him him really really tight mommy
An angel never wanted to touch so bad

I guess I'm running out of time mommy
can you believe I would be fours year old
I know you picture what I would look like
I look the same mommy, we never get old

So when you picure holding me in your lap
just like you always used to do,please don't be sad
you can still imagine what it would feel like mommy
an angel never wanted to touch so bad

It's been two Christmas times now
I'll never miss out on a Christmas with my family
It wont hurt me mommy I promise you
Because you are always carrying me

It's so light up here mommy, that infection was heavy
Oh it's time to go, they say I take too much time
They wont get too upset with me
I always use the excuse my mommy likes it in rhyme hehe

Hey mommy you didn't ask me what I wanted
I will tell you anyway
Yes you still have to get it for me
even though I'm heavens away

The only present I ask for mommy
is one I KNOW you can give to me
mommy you can cry all you need to
just put the star back on the tree, so I can see

Look at the star mommy
and pretend it's me, don't be sad
I'm gonna be with you this Christmas
this angel never wanted to touch so bad

Sometimes...

Sometimes...

Sometimes I sit on the porch
imagine you playing in the yard
but then my heart starts to cry
and it's just too hard

Sometimes I remember the talk
with the mommy who not only lost one but two
the pain falls all around me
and then I cry for myself and I cry for her too

Sometimes I walk through a store
and a little boy will walk beside me
he doesn't have your hair or your smile
but you're still all I can see

Sometimes I walk into a restaurant
I can hear the sound of Tyler being said
my heart drops and so do my tears
as only thoughts of you fill my head

Sometimes I hear a mommy talk
about how she stayed up all night with her baby
and I think about so many nights we were apart
you were in a hospital and my arms were empty

Sometimes I see a daddy
carrying his baby of two on his shoulder
and all I can see is you and daddy
even though I know you would be older

Sometimes I see a little boy
proud of his little baby brother
and my heart hurts for them
because they will never have another

Sometimes I walk down the street
and your face is on every little boy I see
and I see his little hand being held
and I wish the one holding it was me

Sometimes I lay awake at night
I can see you crying out from your hospital bed
I'm so tired and overwhelmed
I can't think about what I said

Sometimes my dreams are filled with you
the pain follows me in a dead sleep
all the pretending in the world
doesn't stop this kind of weep

Sometimes I wash the dishes
and I turn around to where you would be
I try to smile at the good times
but the pain you felt fills through me

Sometimes I sit at the table
and now the chairs are only four
I suffocate with the dirt they threw over you
as I realize we don't need five anymore

Sometimes I go to family dinners
I see three to every family sitting by
I look at our family with a huge hole
and I feel the same pain I did the day I watched you die

Sometimes I look down at my lap
and I see your lips and toes are blue
and I wish with shame
that just one time I didn't see you

Sometimes I hear Twinkle Little Star
and I wish that damn song would go away
With every syllable sung your heart beats slower
until you slip away

Sometimes I see you in every baby section
though you now would almost be four
the same sadness that filled me that day
follows me until I walk out the door

Sometimes I spend my days
running away from every thought
but then I see your face on every child
and my heart gets caught

Sometimes I feel guilty
every single minute spent ashamed and unsure
because all I want to scream from the top of my lungs
is I don't want to remember

Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like
if pain wouldn't bring us to our knees
We would have the time to feel the good
we would all be okay without memories

Thank you TyTy. I love you punkin butt

Four years old...

For you...

Four years old...
The balloons in air.
Curty's angel to you.

Bob made this for you.
Daddy got this since I love Tink so much and it said Magical day for you.

The pumpkin Nammy and Grandpa left.
Your brothers went to see you today TyTy. They left balloons for you.

I had more pictures and there were more balloons but my camera messed up and we let some of the balloons go. We visited your stone many times today with each family, and friends. I can't thank everyone enough who thought of Tyler on this day.
Brandon said something today that made the reality of the situation hit hard. Every older kid has a Pre-K buddy at school, and Dylan did too last year, Brandon out of nowhere says, Tyler would of been my Pre-K buddy this year. My heart broke. He was right. I cried the rest of the way home. At the beginning of the year they ask if they have a brother or sister in Pre-K and to know he was reminded of it and I didn't even know that day he may of been hurting because of it. Or maybe not. It made things... Four years old...
A huge thank you to, my sister and my nieces and nephew, my brother, my amazing parents, Bob's parents, Justin and his family, Sam, Curtis (the angel is so beautiful), George, Shannon, all my friends who sent cards, Steve R, Sara, everyone who left something at his site. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you for thinking of our TyTy on the day he would of been four years old.
Tyler my heart is breaking today. I love you with all my heart. I can't bring myself to say happy birthday so I will simply say today is your birthday and I hope you were looking down and seeing how hard we wanted to honor your memory on this day. I love you punkin butt. *tears*