Sometimes...

Sometimes...

Sometimes I sit on the porch
imagine you playing in the yard
but then my heart starts to cry
and it's just too hard

Sometimes I remember the talk
with the mommy who not only lost one but two
the pain falls all around me
and then I cry for myself and I cry for her too

Sometimes I walk through a store
and a little boy will walk beside me
he doesn't have your hair or your smile
but you're still all I can see

Sometimes I walk into a restaurant
I can hear the sound of Tyler being said
my heart drops and so do my tears
as only thoughts of you fill my head

Sometimes I hear a mommy talk
about how she stayed up all night with her baby
and I think about so many nights we were apart
you were in a hospital and my arms were empty

Sometimes I see a daddy
carrying his baby of two on his shoulder
and all I can see is you and daddy
even though I know you would be older

Sometimes I see a little boy
proud of his little baby brother
and my heart hurts for them
because they will never have another

Sometimes I walk down the street
and your face is on every little boy I see
and I see his little hand being held
and I wish the one holding it was me

Sometimes I lay awake at night
I can see you crying out from your hospital bed
I'm so tired and overwhelmed
I can't think about what I said

Sometimes my dreams are filled with you
the pain follows me in a dead sleep
all the pretending in the world
doesn't stop this kind of weep

Sometimes I wash the dishes
and I turn around to where you would be
I try to smile at the good times
but the pain you felt fills through me

Sometimes I sit at the table
and now the chairs are only four
I suffocate with the dirt they threw over you
as I realize we don't need five anymore

Sometimes I go to family dinners
I see three to every family sitting by
I look at our family with a huge hole
and I feel the same pain I did the day I watched you die

Sometimes I look down at my lap
and I see your lips and toes are blue
and I wish with shame
that just one time I didn't see you

Sometimes I hear Twinkle Little Star
and I wish that damn song would go away
With every syllable sung your heart beats slower
until you slip away

Sometimes I see you in every baby section
though you now would almost be four
the same sadness that filled me that day
follows me until I walk out the door

Sometimes I spend my days
running away from every thought
but then I see your face on every child
and my heart gets caught

Sometimes I feel guilty
every single minute spent ashamed and unsure
because all I want to scream from the top of my lungs
is I don't want to remember

Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like
if pain wouldn't bring us to our knees
We would have the time to feel the good
we would all be okay without memories

Thank you TyTy. I love you punkin butt

Four years old...

For you...

Four years old...
The balloons in air.
Curty's angel to you.

Bob made this for you.
Daddy got this since I love Tink so much and it said Magical day for you.

The pumpkin Nammy and Grandpa left.
Your brothers went to see you today TyTy. They left balloons for you.

I had more pictures and there were more balloons but my camera messed up and we let some of the balloons go. We visited your stone many times today with each family, and friends. I can't thank everyone enough who thought of Tyler on this day.
Brandon said something today that made the reality of the situation hit hard. Every older kid has a Pre-K buddy at school, and Dylan did too last year, Brandon out of nowhere says, Tyler would of been my Pre-K buddy this year. My heart broke. He was right. I cried the rest of the way home. At the beginning of the year they ask if they have a brother or sister in Pre-K and to know he was reminded of it and I didn't even know that day he may of been hurting because of it. Or maybe not. It made things... Four years old...
A huge thank you to, my sister and my nieces and nephew, my brother, my amazing parents, Bob's parents, Justin and his family, Sam, Curtis (the angel is so beautiful), George, Shannon, all my friends who sent cards, Steve R, Sara, everyone who left something at his site. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you for thinking of our TyTy on the day he would of been four years old.
Tyler my heart is breaking today. I love you with all my heart. I can't bring myself to say happy birthday so I will simply say today is your birthday and I hope you were looking down and seeing how hard we wanted to honor your memory on this day. I love you punkin butt. *tears*

TyTy's Birthday

I've thought about what to say, and all I could think about were what these lyrics had to say. I haven't been able to write in awhile, so I will let these words say what I try to tell myself every day since the day you were taken away. There is no reason. It's just how it is.
Many people say it's just a date, or it was a happy day, celebrate, but when you lose someone so dear the happy days become sad days no matter how hard you try not to let them become that way.
I know these pictures have been posted before, but I only had two years to work with, and to be honest these are some of my favorite pictures of you. Nammy and I would always talk about how no matter how crappy you felt you knew when it was your day. When it was your birthday you knew you were the center of attention, and it was for you only. I will never forget the first time I handed you a present on your birthday, you acted like for me?
You would be four years old today TyTy. Wow. I try to imagine what you would be like, but I guess I can't. I am supposed to be telling you to calm down and not get so excited, hiding your presents, and hiding your cake, going out of my mind to try and get everything done, but I'm not. I'm trying to find a way not to hurt so bad because you can't have what every child should be given-- to celebrate the day you came into our lives.
We plan on getting you some balloons and letting them go later tonight. I think we'll do that every year.
I would do anything to hear you smile or laugh, or look up at me right now. To see you opening presents and to give you that WOW present, and to see you happy. Watching your eyes light up when we all sing to you. My heart wishes you were here so you could make a wish and blow out the candles. We miss you TyTy, and I cannot get anymore words out to say how bad this hurts.*tears* I'm sorry baby. You deserved more. You did *tears*
I want to thank everyone who sent cards, and well wishes, and emails, it still means so much.

It's your birthday today TyTy. I'm so sorry you're not celebrating it baby doll. I love you so much, momma misses you *tears*

There aint no reason

There aint no reason things are this way

Its how they always been and it tends to stay

I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday

Preachers on the podeum speaking of saints

Prophets on the sidewalk begging for change

old ladies laughing from the fire escape cursing my name

I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same

A window and a pigeon with a broken wing

You can spend you whole life working for something,

Just to have it taken away

There Ain't no reason

Things are this way

It's how they've always been and its tends to stay

I dont know why I say

The things that I say

But I say them anyway

There ain't no reason things are this way

Its how its always been and it tends to stay

I can't explain why we live this way,

We do it everyday.

Momma missing you Dearly

I miss you so much TyTy.

There are some lyrics down below that I found and it's how I feel. There's so much pain in the next coming months that it's a battle to even see the good that was here at one time. From Sept to January all I can think of is you and Drew both sick, two kids miles away, and I never was in the right place with the right people it seemed. I regret all the time I wasn't with you. Whether I was sick, with Drew or your brothers, or just so tired I couldn't pick myself up to get to you. I regret it.

I had a dream last night that you were okay and I woke up and you weren't here. All I could do was cry into his chest saying it really happened. You are really gone. Then I fell back to sleep only to dream about the car wreck and when I looked over you were in the front seat (which you never were) sucking on your bottle looking at me out of the corner of your eye like you always do when you eat and you giggled that dirty old man laugh. I'm not sure what to think of it but I remembered today how much I missed that laugh or how you would hold that bottle in your mouth and not even suck but look at me the whole time. You forget what it sounds like or looks like and then it pops in your head one day just to remind you how much you wish you had it back.

The days are getting harder as we move further into the year. Your birthday, your death day, Drew's death day. It's weird I can trick myself into moving through the year and denying the pain but it's something about these months that make it feel like it just happened. I'm dreaming about Nicole and Ruth and Steve and Dr. G. In my head we're still driving the roads to Iowa City trying to save you. Even had a dream they came to our house and asked how you were eating and I replied he was eating good until he passed away. I'm not sure what it all means when I'm sleeping but I know what it means when I am awake. It means I hurt. I will never be the same person I was before this and I've accepted that, I still can't accept you wont get a chance to go through these life changes too. That's what hurts the most.

Now I've cried all over the keyboard once again and it still didn't bring you back. I miss you so much. Momma's heart is broken without you. My tears today are for you and all I know you would of been had you just been given the chance. I miss you TyTy.

There is one more thing I need to say. Those last months brought a lot of pain but those months brought us and especially TyTy happiness too and that is thanks to all the nurses, and doctors, and Steve, I refuse to say PA, you were more than that, the NA's, and especially Ruth, Nicole, Rich, Kathy, Sara, Amy, Rebecca, Stephanie, James, everyone who gave us what little good we could take away from those months. Made them special last months instead of just pained last months for TyTy.

On to face the most lonely months of the year. I would of bought you the new Disney Cars play set they have out this year for your birthday TyTy. I think you would of liked it.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head

They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone

Playing movies in my head that make a nightmare feel like home

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain

An ounce of peace is all I wanted for you. Even though I will never her you again.

And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?

And will you never try to reach me?

Your name just roams in space

There's pain in today

There's pain in tomorrow

All I can see is all the things I didn't do for you

I'm pained in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

All I can see is what I couldn't do for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made

You were just a baby boy you'll never be a man

I can see your blue eyes die as I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”

Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be

And then I look up and ask him “How can you do this to me?”