Momma missing you Dearly

I miss you so much TyTy.

There are some lyrics down below that I found and it's how I feel. There's so much pain in the next coming months that it's a battle to even see the good that was here at one time. From Sept to January all I can think of is you and Drew both sick, two kids miles away, and I never was in the right place with the right people it seemed. I regret all the time I wasn't with you. Whether I was sick, with Drew or your brothers, or just so tired I couldn't pick myself up to get to you. I regret it.

I had a dream last night that you were okay and I woke up and you weren't here. All I could do was cry into his chest saying it really happened. You are really gone. Then I fell back to sleep only to dream about the car wreck and when I looked over you were in the front seat (which you never were) sucking on your bottle looking at me out of the corner of your eye like you always do when you eat and you giggled that dirty old man laugh. I'm not sure what to think of it but I remembered today how much I missed that laugh or how you would hold that bottle in your mouth and not even suck but look at me the whole time. You forget what it sounds like or looks like and then it pops in your head one day just to remind you how much you wish you had it back.

The days are getting harder as we move further into the year. Your birthday, your death day, Drew's death day. It's weird I can trick myself into moving through the year and denying the pain but it's something about these months that make it feel like it just happened. I'm dreaming about Nicole and Ruth and Steve and Dr. G. In my head we're still driving the roads to Iowa City trying to save you. Even had a dream they came to our house and asked how you were eating and I replied he was eating good until he passed away. I'm not sure what it all means when I'm sleeping but I know what it means when I am awake. It means I hurt. I will never be the same person I was before this and I've accepted that, I still can't accept you wont get a chance to go through these life changes too. That's what hurts the most.

Now I've cried all over the keyboard once again and it still didn't bring you back. I miss you so much. Momma's heart is broken without you. My tears today are for you and all I know you would of been had you just been given the chance. I miss you TyTy.

There is one more thing I need to say. Those last months brought a lot of pain but those months brought us and especially TyTy happiness too and that is thanks to all the nurses, and doctors, and Steve, I refuse to say PA, you were more than that, the NA's, and especially Ruth, Nicole, Rich, Kathy, Sara, Amy, Rebecca, Stephanie, James, everyone who gave us what little good we could take away from those months. Made them special last months instead of just pained last months for TyTy.

On to face the most lonely months of the year. I would of bought you the new Disney Cars play set they have out this year for your birthday TyTy. I think you would of liked it.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head

They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone

Playing movies in my head that make a nightmare feel like home

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain

An ounce of peace is all I wanted for you. Even though I will never her you again.

And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?

And will you never try to reach me?

Your name just roams in space

There's pain in today

There's pain in tomorrow

All I can see is all the things I didn't do for you

I'm pained in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

All I can see is what I couldn't do for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made

You were just a baby boy you'll never be a man

I can see your blue eyes die as I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”

Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be

And then I look up and ask him “How can you do this to me?”