We give thanks for you TyTy

Thank you TyTy This picture says enough without words. We miss you TyTy! Thank you for the little footsteps of love you left behind.
Nothing made you happier than sitting in between your two brothers. You looked up to them so much. 103 temp and you look like someone handed you the moon. I admire you TyTy
There is a big smile under that blanket. We miss you TyTy
Boys will be boys. Another one of my favorites. Your eyes can still melt my heart. This is a good picture. It captures exactly what it was like that day.
What a sneaky and onery looking smile. :)
Got the bottom out of one of the cups you were playing with. lol I love this picture and it is one of my favorites of you three. One of these days I will crop it and get it blown up. You were all three so happy that day. You had to spend too much time apart.
Smile through tears on this picture. You are smiling so sweet. I miss you so much TyTy. Your eyes were looking right at me. I know you look sick but that makes the smile worth even more. What an incredible spirit you are.
You were laughing so hard at Big brother Dylan. I look at this picture a lot because it reminds me of how the little things always made you the happiest. You really loved the little world you had to live in. It helps me hope that even though the world was small to you it was still enough to fulfill your two years.
This makes me laugh. You and those darn cups lol
At the end of the day those cups were tore down into the circles that make the bottom of the cup and you and your brothers used them as frisbies. I feel we really did make the best of the situation that day. In all the hustle a family goes through it's so easy to think you are weak and not linked together, but that day I knew we were. I was proud of us.
You have such a sweet smile in this picture. You were so content and happy just to sit on that couch with us all day.
If I had known those cups would of entertained you so much I would of bought a pack of them before then. lol You three had so much fun with those that day.
We're all goofing around and having fun. You look so tired and sick but you were sooo happy that day Tyler.
You played and played with those cups and yes someone got momma crying as she looked at you play. That day my heart wanted to know why, and I guess it will always want that.
Playing on the computer with mommy and Dylan. You loved watching people play the computer.

Thanksgiving
Well, where to begin with where we were last year at this time. (All pictures are from last year's Thanksgiving on the BMT ward of Iowa City) We were planning on going home the next day, like every other holiday in that last year. We ordered a dinner from Hy Vee, and planned on having dinner at the hospital. It had been weeks since we seen the boys, and we just wanted you guys together. We were all so tired and worn from the months in the hospital, and so scared we were gonna lose you. I had gotten stuff to make rice krispies, tupperware bowls to put the food in, pop, we got movies, we carried everything up to that room. Through the sky way, through the hallways, to the room, and when we walked in Sara (your wonderful nurse who made it a wonderful day for us, and I thank her so much for being so wonderful to us that day. She was so busy, but she still took all the time in the world with us.) turned around, and I seen the culture bottles. My heart broke, and I wanted to cry, I knew you had spiked, but I kept going. She said I'm sorry I wanted this so bad for you guys, and they all did. They all worked so hard to get him home every holiday, but the reality was our son was sick, and he wasn't getting better, and it didn't matter what holiday was happening. We were losing our son. He spiked a very high temp and he did his normal effects of not being able to breathe, got red, and would fall into a quiet time of just looking around. It happened every time. I was bound and determined to just go with what we were given. I knew we were losing you TyTy, I knew this would be one of our last times as a family, so I went to the rossi room we had, and I made rice krispie treats in their kitchen. Stirred it with a straw I found because I didn't think about buying utensils through all of it. I came back, and we just started doing what we would at home. The kids were going back and forth, and you were watching them carry on. Dads and I were getting the table set, and you and the boys played with Xmas cups, and were having fun, and it changed. You had a 103 degree temp your face so red, and I stopped and looked, and you had this HUGE smile on your face. You felt like crap, but you were happy just being with us. Watching what we all wished we could of had every day of your life. Normal family chaos. We took pictures, you played with those cups, and laughed and giggled at your brothers, and played with them on the computer. Dr. Radhi came in and seen us taking a picture, and you were smiling, and he couldn't believe you were smiling when you had such a high temp and so sick. We had our turkey, our rice krispie treats, talked with our nurse Sara (who was so busy but took the time to talk to us and see if we needed anything, she was wonderful that day) James kept sneaking in for Rice krispie treats, and we watched a movie and took pictures, watched you smile and beam just being around us and caught up in the family being together after so long of being apart. Nothing will ever capture beauty like your smile that day. We made the most of that day, or I feel we did, and I can only hope you felt that way.
That day we knew in our hearts you were gonna leave us, but for that one day we pretended we weren't having our last Thanksgiving. I was proud of my whole family that day. Proud we could still give each other the smiles and comfort through one of the roughest times of our life. We aren't a perfect family, but that day I felt like we were unstoppable. Even with you in heaven... I still feel that way.
I'm trying really hard to keep our family going through the next couple of months, months that not only are gonna be hard because of holidays, but because these were the last months a year ago we spent with you. My heart is in constant hurt, but I'm hoping I can hold us up. So please when you look down, and you see us smile know our smiles would be bigger if you were here. Celebrating will never be the same, and I wish with every piece of my heart and soul you were here TyTy. My heart still breaks, please look down on us as we try to get through these holidays without you. Give momma the strength to get our family through this, because living without you is the hardest thing we've ever had to do. We love you TyTy.
As we sit down to our table with one less person this year we are thankful that we had the two years with you that we did, because what you left behind from that two years wouldn't be worth living without either, and that is the spirit and love we all got from you. We love and miss you TyTy. We give thanks with very heavy hearts, but hearts full of you TyTy.

missing you so much tyty

Guess I'm having a bad day TyTy. I've found myself pretending to be ok so I can prove to people I don't need counseling or anti depressants and I stopped myself. Wait... I shouldn't have to pretend.
In all of this I crashed and crashed hard.
Maybe its the months coming up, maybe its the fact I've walked around in denial the last two weeks. I want so bad to live with this and be whatever people want me to be after your loss but I only hurt myself the last two weeks. The facts are I lost you and I lost everything with you that parents get to share with their kids. I lived and breathed taking care of you and loving you for two years. You don't just get up and walk away from that and i need to realize its what i need to do no matter what anyone else thinks. i need to take this time to try and find my way through grief.
It's weird to emotionally disappear from living and then when you step back in you realize there is no place for you. Which makes the loss compound. I crashed so hard last night and then all I could do is cry thinking about everything. Realizing a year earlier we were fighting for every breath you took. Hoping you would somehow get over the huge mountain that had been put in front of us. I went over your last days, what it felt like to feel you, how am I gonna make these holidays good for your brothers and still keep myself standing so I don't ruin their christmas when all my heart can do is ache for you? do i go to family get togethers? risk people getting mad or upset (not saying they would but you always wonder) because you are upset and can't enjoy it like they do and you bring them down or do you skip so they can enjoy their holiday and then they think you are pushing people away? you aren't gonna be here to open presents i will never get to see you open your "wow" present. how do i sit in a room full of family and know you aren't there and hold back the tears? i'm not strong enough to hold back my tears
thats why i'm so angry with myself.
i miss you and it hurts and i want you back and these holidays are gonna be the hardest holidays i've ever lived through. i can't pretend that isn't true. there are so many emotions to go through and i guess i'm going thru an anger step right now. i'm angry this happens to kids. i'm angry someone can't heal this fix this, i'm angry you wont have christmas and i'm angry at every single minute i let go by that i wasn't holding you, telling you i love you, hoping that everything i done in my short time of being your mother was good enough for you. did i give you enough and i'm angry i'm mad i don't get to make everything up to you. the needles, the test, the strangers in your face every day, i said it would be worth it and I'M MAD and ANGRY because i can't give you the life that would make it worth your fight. you looked up at me and thought i was your mom and i could make it better and i looked down at you and said "i'm sorry it will be worth it baby" i'm sorry tyty i'm angry i lied to you. i'm angry it... it wasn't worth it for you FOR YOU. i'm sorry tyty

Memories

I love this picture of you TyTy.
The tongue thing TyTy lol You were soooo cute
The rock nammy got you to put on your stone. It has five stars and says twinkle twinkle little star and also a granparents love on the back. it is soo beautiful. And of course the angel daddy Bob painted is up there too. He did such a good job. Very beautiful angel.
A picture of your stone right now. I hope it looks good for you TyTy. You deserve only the best.



I want to take my time and explain this poem, but first I want to thank everyone again for the outpouring of emails and cards. I do need to sit down and reply, but I have found myself having trouble doing it. BUT I will.
This poem is as truthful as I can get. I think if you ask any parent who has lost a child the biggest hurt and fear after losing a child is that they will be forgotten. So then as parents we depend on memories. Memories that we hold of our child and memories others hold of our child, but at the same time those memories can hurt to the deepest pore of your skin because that is what makes us miss them. Memories can cripple you daily, but it is such a hard balance because you don't want to forget them but the memories make you see how special and beautiful, and precious they were and it makes it hurt that they can't be here to make more. Memories are all we have but sometimes the memories of them make us miss our child so much it hurts physically to try and breathe. And this is what this poem is about. Memories. The memories we never want to forget or want anyone else to forget, but the same memories that hurt because it makes us long for our child.


memories

i'm angry at the world
but it's not to blame
furious with my mistakes
i'm covered in shame

i'm hurt at the sound
of your name said
your visions crowd me
when i lay my head

your smile is tattooed
in the dreams i walk in daily
your giggle pushes every tear
that falls out of me

your spirit talks to me
your voice pushes every ache
i try to force the pieces back together
but my heart wants to break

your blue eyes light the day
darkness always seems to fall
it's easier to lay down in darkness
and let the minutes stall

the memory of your touch
weakens my knees
making them easy perches
for god to hear my desperate pleas

your memories are branded
in our heart you will always live on
memories are what makes it hurt so damn bad
when reality reminds us you're gone

Forever

Forever

I don't want to know
I want to forget the pain forever
help me let it go
don't allow the pain to grow
will you just hold me forever

they tell me time heals
all my pain and sorrow
but the time is moving slow
tell me how to get through tomorrow
will you just hold me forever

I don't want to be filled
with the scars and the tears
erase the pain in past
don't allow it to last
will you just hold me forever

I don't want to cry
my tears are drowning me
the open wounds are burning
and I can't clear my eyes to see
will you just hold me forever

I don't want to feel
I want to be numb to the day
walk through without the pain
and not be slowly stripped away
will you just hold me forever

hold me in your arms
touch me with your angel wing
tell me "mommy I'm okay"
as we hear the angels sing
will you just hold me forever

I don't want this emptiness
that we have all come to know
I want to forget this unbearable pain
but not enough to let you go
mommy will hold you forever