Mommy's Dream

Here are some (there were so many) pictures of you in the outfit you were wearing in my dream. I forgot I had this picture. I fell in love with this picture all over again.
Look at how precious you are resting.
Hooked up to Your CVN and cheesing it up as you played with your favorite balloon.
My next post may have to be the tongue post. You went through the "my tongue looks cool phase" lol You are so beautiful TyTy.
This sits on mommy's dresser, and has since the day it was taken. I never have moved it. I love this picture.
A month before you floated away. You still had that light in your face. The glow that kept us all going.
CHAMPION. Your poor skin baby. Now you are smooth and clear. Right TyTy? "I'm okay Mommy."
Where's that little nose of yours? Tucked behind the biggest smile an angel can have.
Those eyes. Your heart was in your eyes. Gosh TyTy... Your eyes...
Doctor TyTy in da house. Look at that beautiful smile.
Last year at Dylan and Brandon's birthday parties.
Dylan and Brandon's birthday last year. You likes the cake. It beat out CVN any day!


Things have been so hectic, and the computer has been off and on, and I haven't had much access to my email, so I am on friend's computer right now. I made the extra trip because, I needed to talk to you today TyTy.
This just may of been one of those dreams that seem real, but in my mommy heart I want to believe it was you.
It was so real. We were in a different house. You were laying on a toddler bed. You always had a crib. Not sure the differences, but I'm sure you do. Maybe you are a big boy now. I walked in, and seen you laying on the bed. You were sleeping. You weren't in the outfit we buried you in. You were in that green outfit (Thank You for this gift Dianne Pabst) you always wanted to wear because it was stretchy, and didn't constrict your puffy body. You seen me walk by, and you just sat up, and said "MOMMY," (your voice *tears* you sound so cute) I leaned down, and said, "TyTy you are alive. Baby I've missed you so much. You are so cute. Look at you smile." When I leaned down TyTy, your face, it was clear. There was no red blotches, no puffiness, you were so beautiful, you giggled as I met you face to face. Then I realized you had been sleeping with no oxygen so I went to yell at your daddy for not putting your oxygen on. (That still happens TyTy lol) You looked at me and said "no mommy I don't need it anymore. I can sleep without it", and you clapped your hands together, and you could actually get them together. No puffiness to keep you from doing it. "See mommy I'm okay now." You giggled so cute TyTy. I reached to touch your face, and you looked up at me with those eyes. Oh those eyes TyTy, and then you started to whimper. Not a cry, just a little whimper so I gave you your bottle, the green one matching the one in your memory wagon we have. Not the red bottle you had the day before you floated away. You grabbed the bottle and laid back peacefully, and then you said, "mommy you will be okay." You put the bottle in your mouth, and you fell asleep. That was the end. I woke up thinking I needed to get to you. See if I needed to give you your bottle. It was so real TyTy. As I woke up, and realized what I just seen, and felt, I cried. Not sad. I cried with this huge smile on my face. Just like I'm doing now. I seen my baby boy, and he looked beautiful and peaceful. My heart is constantly fighting to understand why. For now, I have a peace from this dream.
Each night when you were fighting this battle, I would cry, and pray please take TyTy's pain away. Drew would always tell me. Be careful what you pray for you may get your prayer answered, but it may not be the answer you want. I think you were telling me I got my prayer. It just wasn't how I wanted it to be answered. Nicole, one of your favorite nurses, wrote me an email with this similar conclusion about another dream I had. TyTy you seemed ... There was no pain TyTy. You were absolutely beautiful. My star.
The boy's birthdays are coming this Saturday. We got them yet another little kitty who they named Bubba (you) Boots. We will bring you balloons from their party TyTy. Your stone looks beautiful. We cleaned it and put more stuff up there today. A little rabbit grinning ear to ear with his two teeth sticking out. It reminded me of your sneaky grin.
No puffy cheeks, no red blotches, no dry skin, no oxygen, no tubes, just a precious voice, an adorable laugh, joyous smile, a peaceful sleep, and a mommy who is hoping with all her heart that it wasn't just my longing to see you that brought that dream to me. I hope in my heart that it was you TyTy.
"See mommy? I'm okay now." --"Mommy you will be okay." I definitely have an angel sitting on my shoulder. My heart has to believe that now.
I love you TyTy.

Momma's Tug Of War

These picture make me laugh. I snapped the picture as you went to bop Brandon, and then you turned around and bopped Dylan. lol You were tickled with yourself, which the pictures show. I normally wouldn't like you hitting your brothers, but you were such a stinker, and we just loved seeing you be a normal boy showing Dylan and Brandon you could hold your own. You wanted the camera to yourself that day. lol
It's baby Shrek! lol
You would always sit on the desk while momma wrote. You would smash your face against all the cd cases. I would laugh, and it would make you do it more. I wish people could of seen how spunky you were. I miss you TyTy
Could you be any more precious? TyTy, the longing to hold you hurts.
You would always stick your med syringes in your mouth to get us to laugh. Look at all that medical stuff. The living room is so empty now TyTy. The air is empty without your laugh, and without you making us laugh.
Your first taste of watermelon. Even now I laugh at the face you made when you tasted it. lol
Posing for Momma. You had such a beautiful smile TyTy. In picture, or true to life, Your eyes capture me every time I look at them.
That is one sneaky grin! Your tongue always hanging out... Just like daddy and your brothers. I love this picture. It symbolizes all you were.
Look at this goofy smile you have on your face. We miss you so much TyTy
When you sat in this seat, you were only humoring us. You didn't see the point in the doorway swing.
You couldn't wait for your chocolate bunny. The stuffed one had to do.
Standing by yourself with your walking toy. I wish they could of seen just how much you could do.


Momma's Tug Of War

Times are a changing
as I lay in my bed
nothing has changed for me
your loss still fills my head

Anger fills me full
I find myself punching my pillow
I yearn to go back in time
change decisions so I could watch you grow

The hole you left is huge
we all have fallen in
we have no strength to crawl out
it's scary to leave the life you were once in

Time is passing
we still walk in the loss of you
They say time makes it easier
I'm finding that isn't true

The more the days pass
the longer they drag on
more pain floods our hearts
the harder it is to face you are gone

We stare into pictures
your face is precious and sweet
tears flood four faces
we kneel down to grief's defeat

I lay here in bed
the rain falls as your cry
I try to push the past away
another pain filled hour passes by

Your brother comes to me in the dark
startles me at the early hour of five
"Mom, I had a dream you were holding Tyler,
Mom, he was alive."

He lays his head on my chest
he cries your name until seven
and then he ask, "You know who is selfish mom?"
Heaven

"Heaven took Tyler
it took your smile too
Heaven expects us to live without TyTy
I don't know if it is something we can do."

I want to be a good mommy
tell him all the words that are right
but the same pain the brings him to me
is the same pain that has filled my night

I think back on your spirit TyTy
the life that filled your eye
You were our Hercules
now we've crumbled with your goodbye

Daily trips to your stone
don't fulfill the need for your love
the words of comfort fail
there's no comfort in "He's safe above."

I long to hold you in my arm
I guess I am selfish too
God and I had a tug-of-war
heaven won the right to hold you