Not a very happy or cheerful or correct way to handle bad feelings but this is the honest steps of losing a child. It's not always cheerful memorials. Sometimes you're just really sad and pissed. You don't wish this one anyone or even expect it to be any way that it is, but sometimes you just wish you could feel what they do again like you used to. It's usually momentarily but in any case you feel it. A very non sugar coated feel of some holidays after losing a child.

i dont know if i can put my mask on today

just knock me out until it all goes away

everyone saying its the perfect day

sunny and bright and such a nice day to be out to play

everyone wishing each other the happiest holiday

bright cheery

oh damn just make it go away

tired of everyone and their damn happy holidays

i know i know i used to be like them too

happy filled with that crap they call cheer

filling your baskets wrapping your presents

just thankful to be here

so as to not take it away i do what i do best

put away the frown face and put on the mask

got me by for several unhappy years

filled with nothing but anger pain and tears

but today i dont think i can lift the mask

let alone put it on and keep it on

all to just make them feel comfortable with my pain

oh for christ sake just wake me when this damn holiday is gone

i dont want to take it away from them though it seems to be so
just so damn sick of the pain anger and sorrow
i know i'm not special, why not me, no one promised you happy
then why does it seem like it always happens to me

so yes it happened to me
yes i hate the holiday
i hate even more how happy everyone seems to be
most of all im just so damn sick of being me

maybe im the grinch with a heart too small
the old wicked witch who never comes out at all
maybe these thoughts are gonna send my angry ass to hell
or maybe this mommy just misses her little angel
and every holiday or step outside or picture on the wall
doesn't make me see the sunlight and cheer crap at all
just shows me what i lost what i miss and whose recent picture isn't on my wall
i just dont think i can wear my mask this holiday
because i used up it's strength and it doesn't take the pain away
oh just get me through this holiday