A TyTy Day

This poem wasn't directed at you. I wrote it more for your brothers. As you know we lost Grandpa Paul. It's been very hard for the boys to revisit all the grief steps again. They don't understand why these things happen and feeling the hurt again.

Dylan prayed over grandpa for the first time since we lost you. When I had to tell him Grandpa wasn't gonna wake up he asked me " So I prayed for nothing?" How do you answer that? I could lie and say losing someone is easy, and everyone reacts the best way but it's not true and people get mad and hurt and lash out at those they love when they have lost someone they love. I know we will go through that at some point. Right now they are looking at me and asking questions about you and how we knew to let you go, they are asking about God, they are telling me it hurts too bad to function each day, and how tired they are of how much pain life can offer. And this is when I feel the same way but can't let them give up. I have to make them see the good too.

All of this coming at the time you would be turning seven. I should be planning your party but I'm just trying to get through each day as if nothing is coming up.

This poem is written for your brothers. Telling them everything they feel is okay and normal and I feel it too but we have to keep going.

I'm not sure what I believe in as far as god, but I do believe in angels and spirits, and right now I'm hoping you're showing Grandpa around and he's holding you with that big smile of his on his face. Parts America hat on, his flannel shirt from being too cold, and you with your big beautiful eyes, and your sneaky laugh, and your cute little bibs and Jeff Gordon hat is loving being on his lap again.

I miss you TyTy, I miss Grandpa Paul. You take care of each other and watch down as we try to heal from another loss.

My Boys

Life Can Be Sad

I don't want to try
I am tired too
I am overwhelmed and worn
just like you
I want to give up too
the thoughts are always there
you're not the only one who
feels like no one cares
I am tired too
Just like you
The days seem endless
too hard to get through
But there is light
that gives me the hope
I'll wake up from night
and a day is waiting for you
I am tired too
scared out of my mind
but I don't want to choose
to walk around blind
I am worn down too
question faith
feel all the bad
even some hate
I am clueless too
scared to every wit
but I just don't have it in me
to just up and quit
I am tired too
But I keep getting up
Keep hanging on
because of you....