School Time

I was shopping for the boys and I realized we would be getting you ready for Pre-K. You would be four years old and probably a tad behind like Dylan was so we would have you in Pre-K to try and get you caught up on your social skills. I picked up size 10, size 12, but no size 4-5. I wonder what you would like to wear, and then I wonder what you would look like. It's hard to even picture what you would be today because you're froze at two. You would of done so much changing normally let alone catching up after being sick. You would of changed so much by now. Would you have bright blonde hair like Dylan? Brown like Brandon? What would be your "in" thing now. Dylan was always big on Blue's Clue's and Brandon was cowboys and trains. What would you of liked your back pack to be? I laid in bed and thought about what I always do at that time, all the mistakes I made when you were sick, how I didn't treasure the time with you, how selfish I was, and when I do that I try to picture you to calm me so that the bad leaves, and I realize I can't anymore. I don't know what you would look like and I can't picture you running up to me and saying mommy I can't sleep. I can't pciture you walking because you never did or calling my name because you never did.

I'm having such a hard time right now missing you and realizing this hole is here forever. I keep pretending because after you lose a child that's all life is. Pretend you're happy, pretend you're not breaking down so you don't get pills shoved down your throat, so you don't burden other people, so you can prove you're strong enough to keep going, or simply so you can get up every day and not want to kill yourself because the pain is too hard to walk with. I keep trying the mind over matter, tell myself it was for the peace of you, that you would probably be really sick and not live a good life, and you weren't someone who could live like that. I try to do that, and I try to get out and see there is still life. I spend extra time with your brothers, anything to try and find hope that this hole in my heart can still pump life, but it gets hard sometimes and right now it's really hard to see you, and now that time has passed, I don't even know how to remember you because you're frozen at two and had life been a little kinder to you and us, you wouldn't be frozen at two.

We packed some of your toys in the bedroom away. It was a big step but they were getting dusty and broken. I opened up the attic and there was all your medical equipment, most of it got returned once the lady that we loaned it to didn't need it anymore. Toys, your crib mattress, your crib, your exersaucer. I put your toys in and kept moving. Telling myself I needed to do it.

I miss you. I miss seeing you be all that you were. We're not complete and I don't like that feeling.

It's been a rough two months on us. A lot of bad luck. Your dad hired someone named Tyler at the store and I didn't know so I call over to see if he wanted to do something that night and I hear This is Ty how can I help you? I froze and then hung up and then cried. Just the mere mention of your name broke me and it's stupid. It was ridiculous of me to respond that way but I couldn't help it. I want to be yelling Tyler. Ty, TyTy get out of the fridge, leave your brothers alone, TyTy enough cookies. I want to be saying it. *TEARS* I'm not.

We cleaned your stone. It looks so bare and blah. I don't know what to do to spruce it up but I realized it's the most bland it's been since we lost you. I hope it's not a sign we are leaving you behind. I'm gonna try to get some flowers this weekend. I guess the sun bleaches everything and takes the light out of everything. I want everything bright up there because it fits you or it did when you left us. I like driving by, which to get out of town we drive by you every day, and I liked seeing it bright and standing out because I think there's my son. There he is. He's not gone. He's as bright as he was here. Who knows maybe you would of turned into a moody little child like Dylan. lol *tears* I don't see it but I don't see you either.

Keep moving. I need to keep moving. It doesn't hurt so bad if I can't think about it. I've sit down too long to write this. I need to keep moving. TyTy, my brightest star, life wasn't fair to you and I can't change it. Mommy is so sorry.

Tyler, give us some hope.