Brando Missin' TyTy

This happened Monday June 11. I'll never forget it and to this minute I don't know how to take this moment or where to put it in the file cabinet of grief.

We had just set up the pool a few days before. I could never swim before because I was pregnant or I had to be inside with Tyler, and then the last two summers I just didn't feel like getting the enjoyment out of life that being outside had to offer. This day I told myself just get out there and try to live. I got up that morning and I was in the pool with Brandon all day and when I wasn't I sat and watched him do cannon balls, and dive, and float all over the place. When we got done and went upstairs to change and this is how the whole conversation went. Word for word because I will never forget them.

Brandon: This feels like before we had Tyler.

Me: That we had fun with out being sad?

Brandon: Yeah it's like Tyler wasn't even here.

Me: Do you really think that? You feel like he wasn't even here?

Brandon: Yeah and it's weird and scary.

Me: Is it because I was happy today?

Brandon: I just miss him sometimes. But I've only cried over him twice.

Me: If it's like he wasn't here why are you talking about him? You are obviously thinking about him if you brought him up?

Brandon: We don't talk about him anymore and it feels like he was never here. It's scary.

Me: We're talking about him now and whenever you need to you come to me and we will talk about him.


After talking to his dad about this, we're all a little befuddled about how to balance grief and living even after all this time, we still don't know. If it was just us who had to suffer the outcome of this it would be different, but our boys have to.
Dylan got corrected the other night and he cried for Tyler for thirty minutes. He does this a lot. I liken it to whenever you're in pain you yell for your mommy and I think he does this with Tyler. The " I wish he was here because it would make everything better."
Tyler you've been all around us, why? We all seem to be carrying you with us so much right now even if we are keeping it to ourselves.
How do you move on with life and get out of it what you wish so badly the person who has passed on could of, and how do you still carry them with you when you do without letting it take you to the place where you aren't living?
Someone said the day of his funeral you will never heal from this, you will never be the same again and you will never fully embrace life after losing a child. I was so clouded with the shock of losing him the words stayed but I had no idea that those words would ring so true.
We are trying hard but when you know you will never lose this pain, it's hard to look forward.
I think Brandon was feeling the "I want to enjoy life again like we did before but then you feel like you're leaving him behind." It hurts as an adult to feel this but my little boy does too. As a mommy nothing feels worse than this.