pain

Here is your stone on Christmas. We left you gifts from last year.


i guess i shouldn't write this here but its all bottled up inside and i dont know where to go with it.
here i am again tyty. i keep saying i'm gonna pick myself up and try to move on without you in my arms but once again i am failing. i miss holding you and i miss your cry. i sit here at the computer and keep turning around hoping i can see you running to me. playing with the dogs or your toys. i'm trying so hard to accept life moves on and i'm trying to be a good sport *tears* i'm really trying tyty but... your two years here were rough on all of us especially you baby tyty but when i felt weak i would look at your eyes and see your fight and it made me want to fight. i never knew i could draw so much strength from a little one but i did. i feel weak because you fought thru so much worse than i yet i can't pull myself up. tyty i miss you too much to even put into words. i just want you back tyty. why can't i have you back tyty
someone said to me this weekend. reach out. thats a tricky thing. its been a year and most people think its been a year she needs to move on. i guess thats what gets me is they all get to move on. you were all i had. what am i supposed to do? their life moves on as it should and its supposed to be that way and i know that and i dont wish for people to feel this but how can i make them understand it hurts even tho i know it has to be this way? i want to be able to go to a family dinner and cry without someone thinking oh god shes sucking the attention again. i'm soooo worried that if i let myself feel what i'm supposed to people are gonna get sick of it which i'm sure most people are. its so much easier to keep to yourself and go thru all of this and not worry about it. am i losing people left and right? yeah but i think i would no matter what. at least this way it is on my terms. people have moved on and don't want someone crying every time they see you.
three weeks ago i talked a doctor to see if i could get my tubes untied. insurance wont pay for it and even if it did my chances would be low. i dont know what we were thinking. i know nothing will replace you and i def am not trying to do that. i need some hope. i want some hope. i guess ... i guess all i ever wanted to be was a mom. i don't want to be anything else and now that i can't be a mommy to you and your brothers are old enough to have their own life i'm wondering what am I supposed to do? my dream of a crazy house and kids running all over amounts to one boy on the computer and the other one watching him and telling me to leave them alone. lol typical for their age. i guess i thought you would be running around causing havoc at this point. i really don't know what to do with myself. i never had a passion to do anything nor was i good at anything. i just wanted to be a mommy and i guess expecting a baby was hopefully gonna give me hope. give me something to hang onto. member the picture in your room? it said a baby is a sign that life is supposed to go on. i guess the sign given to me is without you tyty it never will.
i'm sitting here struggling today about everything. i'm so tired of the constant fight in me. i'm really tired tyty. i've tried. i put in that first year thinking at least some type of healing would come but it isn't. i'm miserable and i really can't take living like this. i've tried but i'm so tired of fighting with myself. all i really want right now is to hold you. feel your rough feet and have you look up at me with those eyes. i know i don't deserve to hold you one more time but i want to. *tears* i love you soo much tyty. i'm sorry