tyty pics~~journal entry
wthese pics were taken at the hospital, phototherapy, and the mac house. feb 04 until jun 04. 
I guess the peace I got from you coming to my dream didn't last as long as I thought it would. I had another dream last night. It was Christmas time. We were at Grandma George's. I was crying and missing you, and she asked me to leave. She said, "if all you are gonna do is boo hoo you can go home." The dream was so real my heart just ached when I heard her say that. She went on saying it was always about me, and I'm ruining their Christmas. It was so real I said out loud and crying, while asleep, "but it is my first Christmas without him." (I was later told when I woke up that I said it out loud and he heard me say it) I turned to Eddie for support and he started telling me Tyler was never normal, and he wasn't like any of us, and it's better he is gone because they couldn't stand to see him suffer, and we were selfish for making him suffer so long. I literally hurt from this dream. I woke up and I couldn't move. It made me realize if I could dream this, and they weren't able to talk to me in my dreams, chances are, you didn't either. It was all in my head. Dreams are fears, longing, pain, wishes, not real. I couldn't move when I woke up, and I woke up crying. My hair was soaked in crying, and all I could do was run around the house looking for you. In my head I thought if that was a dream maybe your death was a dream. He got me calmed down and to sleep again, and then I dreamed we lost Dylan too. I don'twant to dream anymore.
We had the kids birthday party's. It was a great day for them. Friends and family. I held up well the whole day, so did your dad. But the day after as I was looking through the pictures, and there was no you, and everyone was smiling.. Everyone has moved on, and I don't blame them. They have to. Life forces us. But I can't. That fake smile I wore that day because I know everyone wants to see me smile, and not hear about how I still miss my baby.. That fake smile will never be real again. I have emails sitting for months waiting for replies. I've pushed every single person away from me. Because it is easier to pretend the pain of losing you isn't my life when I don't see or talk to the people who know you are gone forever. I have to literally forget you died, forget I'm alone again, forget the pain that cripples my heart, or I end up in bed crying all day. Then I will let something as simple as remembering feeling your rough feet sneak in, and literally in my head I say, "He is really gone." There was a TyTy, and he died, and I did it to him. I made wrong choices, and I killed my own child. TyTy was here, he had the most beautiful smile, he had the smallest little butt that I loved to pat while he fell asleep, there was a TyTy who laid in my fold of my leg while his blanket touched his fingers and my arm at the same time, my baby boy died."
I look at emails from Ruth, Nicole, Jen, Renee, Uncle Ray, Mom, Vikki, Dianne, Kim, Joe, and I know I need to reply, and I WANT to because I love these people with all my heart, but it's so hard to pretend. I want to show them I am strong, and I can go on and look at you as the most beautiful angel in the sky, but I can't, all I want to do is say please help me, I don't know how to live without him, I don't know how to live with all we did wrong, fix it, please *tears* please fix it. Take away the pain, bring him back. I know any one of these people would if they could, but they can't, I know that, but it is too hard to not just cry and tell them it hurts so bad so the emails sit because I don't know what to say. Then I'm scared they will think I don't want to...
Tyler I miss you so damn much. Your smile, TyTy *tears* I can't do this. The picture of you laying in the casket alone, I just can't move on without you, and I can't pretend anymore that I can. I keep hearing your laugh. I wish I could catch it, I wish I could go back in time, maybe if we had done the G tube faster, maybe there would of been no gall stones, nothing for the infection to grab on to, maybe we didn't get enough fluconazole in you, maybe you spit out too much and I didn't redose you enough allowing a fungus to grow, maybe we didn't have you on enough steroids, maybe the GvH acted up because we tried so hard to get you off of it, maybe I needed to fight Steve and Dr G harder about leaving you on the antibiotics for the six weeks every other doctor suggested we do. Why didn't I? What did I do wrong? Maybe we shouldn't of let you play on the floor. We tried to keep you on the blanket but you were so determined to get where you wanted to on your own, I was just so happy you were moving, I thought we were gonna need to catch you up so I let you move, I thought... *tears* I thought I was gonna need to catch you up like I did Dylan. I thought you would always be here. We would get you through it like we did Dylan. Where are you? where are you tyty
i'm a mommy who put off everything to raise her kids to take care of her babies. i'm a mommy. i was meant to be a mommy. mommy's need their babies. my baby is gone. you aren't in my arms. you aren't looking up at me, i can't hear your laugh, i wont be able to see you grow, you wont be able to run, or walk, or play with your brothers, go to school, touch grass, swim. you didn't get all of this. you are under six feet of dirt. the first taste of earth you get and its six feet under. no
i can't live with that
in that dream you said mommy you will be ok. i don't think i will tyty. i don't know how to live without you.
I guess the peace I got from you coming to my dream didn't last as long as I thought it would. I had another dream last night. It was Christmas time. We were at Grandma George's. I was crying and missing you, and she asked me to leave. She said, "if all you are gonna do is boo hoo you can go home." The dream was so real my heart just ached when I heard her say that. She went on saying it was always about me, and I'm ruining their Christmas. It was so real I said out loud and crying, while asleep, "but it is my first Christmas without him." (I was later told when I woke up that I said it out loud and he heard me say it) I turned to Eddie for support and he started telling me Tyler was never normal, and he wasn't like any of us, and it's better he is gone because they couldn't stand to see him suffer, and we were selfish for making him suffer so long. I literally hurt from this dream. I woke up and I couldn't move. It made me realize if I could dream this, and they weren't able to talk to me in my dreams, chances are, you didn't either. It was all in my head. Dreams are fears, longing, pain, wishes, not real. I couldn't move when I woke up, and I woke up crying. My hair was soaked in crying, and all I could do was run around the house looking for you. In my head I thought if that was a dream maybe your death was a dream. He got me calmed down and to sleep again, and then I dreamed we lost Dylan too. I don'twant to dream anymore.
We had the kids birthday party's. It was a great day for them. Friends and family. I held up well the whole day, so did your dad. But the day after as I was looking through the pictures, and there was no you, and everyone was smiling.. Everyone has moved on, and I don't blame them. They have to. Life forces us. But I can't. That fake smile I wore that day because I know everyone wants to see me smile, and not hear about how I still miss my baby.. That fake smile will never be real again. I have emails sitting for months waiting for replies. I've pushed every single person away from me. Because it is easier to pretend the pain of losing you isn't my life when I don't see or talk to the people who know you are gone forever. I have to literally forget you died, forget I'm alone again, forget the pain that cripples my heart, or I end up in bed crying all day. Then I will let something as simple as remembering feeling your rough feet sneak in, and literally in my head I say, "He is really gone." There was a TyTy, and he died, and I did it to him. I made wrong choices, and I killed my own child. TyTy was here, he had the most beautiful smile, he had the smallest little butt that I loved to pat while he fell asleep, there was a TyTy who laid in my fold of my leg while his blanket touched his fingers and my arm at the same time, my baby boy died."
I look at emails from Ruth, Nicole, Jen, Renee, Uncle Ray, Mom, Vikki, Dianne, Kim, Joe, and I know I need to reply, and I WANT to because I love these people with all my heart, but it's so hard to pretend. I want to show them I am strong, and I can go on and look at you as the most beautiful angel in the sky, but I can't, all I want to do is say please help me, I don't know how to live without him, I don't know how to live with all we did wrong, fix it, please *tears* please fix it. Take away the pain, bring him back. I know any one of these people would if they could, but they can't, I know that, but it is too hard to not just cry and tell them it hurts so bad so the emails sit because I don't know what to say. Then I'm scared they will think I don't want to...
Tyler I miss you so damn much. Your smile, TyTy *tears* I can't do this. The picture of you laying in the casket alone, I just can't move on without you, and I can't pretend anymore that I can. I keep hearing your laugh. I wish I could catch it, I wish I could go back in time, maybe if we had done the G tube faster, maybe there would of been no gall stones, nothing for the infection to grab on to, maybe we didn't get enough fluconazole in you, maybe you spit out too much and I didn't redose you enough allowing a fungus to grow, maybe we didn't have you on enough steroids, maybe the GvH acted up because we tried so hard to get you off of it, maybe I needed to fight Steve and Dr G harder about leaving you on the antibiotics for the six weeks every other doctor suggested we do. Why didn't I? What did I do wrong? Maybe we shouldn't of let you play on the floor. We tried to keep you on the blanket but you were so determined to get where you wanted to on your own, I was just so happy you were moving, I thought we were gonna need to catch you up so I let you move, I thought... *tears* I thought I was gonna need to catch you up like I did Dylan. I thought you would always be here. We would get you through it like we did Dylan. Where are you? where are you tyty
i'm a mommy who put off everything to raise her kids to take care of her babies. i'm a mommy. i was meant to be a mommy. mommy's need their babies. my baby is gone. you aren't in my arms. you aren't looking up at me, i can't hear your laugh, i wont be able to see you grow, you wont be able to run, or walk, or play with your brothers, go to school, touch grass, swim. you didn't get all of this. you are under six feet of dirt. the first taste of earth you get and its six feet under. no
i can't live with that
in that dream you said mommy you will be ok. i don't think i will tyty. i don't know how to live without you.
posted by Peg Kay | 10:17 AM
